She takes the scissors and draws the blade across her skin, on her ribs and on her hips. It doesn’t bleed, she doesn’t want it to. Soon it starts to sting, and she lets the tears freely fall down her face. She constantly feels alone. Death surrounds her. She hates herself, she hates cancer. She wonders why these things are happening. Images pass through her mind like a slideshow, painful memories appearing tearing her insides apart. She cries harder and brings the blade to her skin again, longing for a release; she can deal with the physical pain.
When she’s done she takes a shower trying to wash the feeling of disgust away. She hates herself. The hot water hits her skin and feels nice till it gets to her cuts. They begin to sting. Good, she thinks. It’s what I deserve. At least I know I’m alive. The feelings she was trying to get rid of remain as she gets out of the shower.
After getting dressed she hangs out with her friends. She smiles and pretends she’s okay. She laughs when she is supposed to and makes jokes at the appropriate times. Everything seems fine, and she is happy for that. She walks to class; her bag bounces on her hip where her cuts are. They hurt, but she could care less. This is her life…and she hates it.
I guess I should put in a zen life lesson like always...*sighs* Well, my best advice is to talk to someone. Someone you really trust. It's a hard thing to do in this situation, but you need to try. Or instead of talking to someone when you feel like cutting do something to distract yourself. Go on your computer and write it down in a document. Do art, dance, sing...do something! However hard it maybe it will work out in the end. According to this person that I love to death, Ro, you just have to believe.
Here is a song that really goes with this post:
"Hold On" - Wilson Phillips
I know this pain
Why do lock yourself up in these chains?
No one can change your life except for you
Don't ever let anyone step all over you
Just open your heart and your mind
Is it really fair to feel this way inside?
[Chorus:]
Some day somebody's gonna make you want to
Turn around and say goodbye
Until then baby are you going to let them
Hold you down and make you cry
Don't you know?
Don't you know things can change
Things'll go your way
If you hold on for one more day
Can you hold on for one more day
Things'll go your way
Hold on for one more day
You could sustain
Or are you comfortable with the pain?
You've got no one to blame for your unhappiness
You got yourself into your own mess
Lettin' your worries pass you by
Don't you think it's worth your time
To change your mind?
[Chorus]
I know that there is pain
But you hold on for one more day and
Break free the chains
Yeah I know that there is pain
But you hold on for one more day and you
Break free, break from the chains
Some day somebody's gonna make you want to
Turn around and say goodbye
Until then baby are you going to let them
Hold you down and make you cry
Don't you know?
Don't you know things can change
Things'll go your way
If you hold on for one more day yeah
If you hold on
Don't you know things can change
Things'll go your way
If you hold on for one more day,
If you hold on
Can you hold on
Hold on baby
Won't you tell me now
Hold on for one more day 'Cause
It's gonna go your way
Don't you know things can change
Things'll go your way
If you hold on for one more day
Can't you change it this time
Make up your mind
Hold on
Hold on
Baby hold on
