At one point in most of our lives we are scared of going to the dentist. Well, maybe not. I don't think I was ever scared of the dentist, I just didn't want to go. This post is about a horrifying experience my best friend/sister, Sas, had when going to the dentist.
Sas had to get her wisdom teeth removed. Side note - Why the hell do they call them wisdom teeth? I mean when you get them it hurts like hell and usually f's up the alignment of your teeth! Where does wisdom come into play? They should be called demon teeth, or painful teeth! Something that fits them better. - Stupid side not I know. So anyways she had to get them removed.
The dentist hooked her up to a heart monitor, since she was going to be put under and have two monster teeth ripped/cut from her mouth. The monitor beeped reassuring her all will be well knowing her heart was beating strongly. Then they began to put her under. As she was slipping off into a blissful drug induced sleep the monitor flat-lined. The thing on her finger that was attached to the machine fell off, although as she was passing out she did not know that. Finally right before unconsciousness took her the dentist says, "You're dead." As if saying Oh well, what can you do? Even in her drug induced state she became worried. Was she really dead? What was going on?
As she awoke it happened a second time and again the dentist told her she died. As soon as she was able to she took off like a bat out of hell. She was officially traumatized. Dentists are scary.
Life lesson? Don't get a dentist that jokes about death. Hahaha!
Friday, March 11, 2011
Barney is Evil...?
Do you remember when Barney was the best thing in the world? When you were the coolest f-ing five year old if you had Barney at your birthday party? I do!
I remember Barney coming to my party! It was the best thing in the world! I even have the pictures of me hugging the poor guy in the Barney suit like my life depended on it. I must say that person was a trooper because I have a summer birthday so they were probably sweating their ass off trying to please a bunch of five and six year olds who were hopped up on sugar from the cake we just ate. Mmmmm...cake.
Anyways, My birthday was a success! Barney came, we all got pictures, I got presents...what could have been better? I surely believe nothing could have been better than that! Right...? I have come to tell you that not everyone shares my affections for Barney.
My best friend, who is like my sister, Ni, shared her horrific birthday story with me. She told me that her mother came to her asking if she wanted Barney to come to her party! She warily, yet eagerly agreed to the prospect of the lovable dinosaur coming to her party. Little did she know the terror she would feel at the sight of him.
May I ask, what is so scary about a large green and purple dinosaur?
The day of Ni's birthday had arrived and all was going well...until Barney showed up in all his glory. Instead of running and hugging his leg like I did Ni cowered in fear. She was petrified of Barney and freaked out. Barney was not her friend and she was definitely going to make that fact known, to her parents and especially to the purple and green monster standing before her.
Barney had turned into an evil party ruining being. Till this day Ni can retell her birthday story, recounting her fear to a 't'.
Life lesson? Don't get sweaty people in costumes to come to your kid's parties. Get a damn pony for pony rides, or someone who can paint faces, or small race cars that kids can play with. Just not people in costumes because you never know if your kid will be afraid until you see them with an expression of terror and cowering behind you in fear, as if you were a shield that can protect them from any evil being. :o)
I remember Barney coming to my party! It was the best thing in the world! I even have the pictures of me hugging the poor guy in the Barney suit like my life depended on it. I must say that person was a trooper because I have a summer birthday so they were probably sweating their ass off trying to please a bunch of five and six year olds who were hopped up on sugar from the cake we just ate. Mmmmm...cake.
Anyways, My birthday was a success! Barney came, we all got pictures, I got presents...what could have been better? I surely believe nothing could have been better than that! Right...? I have come to tell you that not everyone shares my affections for Barney.
My best friend, who is like my sister, Ni, shared her horrific birthday story with me. She told me that her mother came to her asking if she wanted Barney to come to her party! She warily, yet eagerly agreed to the prospect of the lovable dinosaur coming to her party. Little did she know the terror she would feel at the sight of him.
May I ask, what is so scary about a large green and purple dinosaur?
The day of Ni's birthday had arrived and all was going well...until Barney showed up in all his glory. Instead of running and hugging his leg like I did Ni cowered in fear. She was petrified of Barney and freaked out. Barney was not her friend and she was definitely going to make that fact known, to her parents and especially to the purple and green monster standing before her.
Barney had turned into an evil party ruining being. Till this day Ni can retell her birthday story, recounting her fear to a 't'.
Life lesson? Don't get sweaty people in costumes to come to your kid's parties. Get a damn pony for pony rides, or someone who can paint faces, or small race cars that kids can play with. Just not people in costumes because you never know if your kid will be afraid until you see them with an expression of terror and cowering behind you in fear, as if you were a shield that can protect them from any evil being. :o)
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
Bathroom Spider
So, I haven't written on here in forever! So here ya go...
Okay, so this morning I went to the bathroom to take a shower. I grabbed my necessities and exited my room. I entered the bathroom thinking all was okay when suddenly I spotted it. My eyes zeroed in on it like a hawk spotting a mouse in a field.
It was a tan color, like the color of sand. It was a fairly good size, although to me size doesn't matter, I hate them all. It's eight legs were a little on the long side as they clung to the wall.
My mouth popped into an 'O' shape and my eyes widened in terror. What was I going to do now? Should I go and get someone to kill the fiend? No, I couldn't just wake up one of my housemates because of my fear...right? I shook my head knowing I couldn't do that. I just need to deal with it, and hopefully not get killed or injured in the process.
I went through my movements watching the evil creature, never once removing my eyes from it. I got into the shower, peeking over the shower doors to make sure it didn't move towards me. I was safe...for now.
I showered hurriedly, scrubbing the shampoo into my scalp with my fingertips when I decided to take my next peek. To my horror it began moving. No! Why!? Why is this happening!? I just want a shower!
I decided my only way to survive was to scare it. That should work, right? I mean my momma always said that it's probably just as scared of you as you are of it... Although, I doubt it was. These creatures aren't scared of shit, excuse my language. - Side note. Why do people say excuse my French when they curse? I mean it's not like the French are cursing fiends. I mean seriously, their curse words probably don't even sound like shit and bitch, they probably say them in, I don't know, their own language!- Anyways, this thing would definitely not be scared, but I'll try my best.
I screamed. What? If you saw it moving towards you, you'd scream to! I cried tearlessly. It was stuck between one of those half scared laugh and crying. You know what a scared laugh is right? It's like when you're so scared you don't know what to do besides laugh. I did that on a roller coaster once but it wasn't because I was scared. I told my best friend/sister's little sister, R (that's what she'll be called), that the ride was slow because she was scared to go on. I forgot that the roller coaster was in fact NOT slow and would toss us around in our seats quite violently. As I heard her screams I felt horrible! I felt so bad but my reaction to it was to LAUGH! I friggin was giggling and laughing out right like a mad woman! *Shakes my head* But I digress.
So now I'm laughing/crying in the shower and I begin trying to yell at it.
"Please! Stop moving! Don't come this way! Please stop!" *Laugh/crying* "Stay on your side of the bathroom!"
It stopped where it was. Thank God! Every time it would attempt to move it would fall slightly and dangle which caused me to shriek slightly each time. I hurriedly finished my shower, always watching it's movements.
I dried myself off as fast as I could, threw on my robe, grabbed my stuff and raced out of the bathroom. Great, now I won't be able to go to the bathroom all day.
After getting myself ready I heard my housemates so I decided to go talk to them, ask them a question really. I approached my housemate, S (This will be her name in this).
"S, will you please kill the bathroom spider!?" I asked.
"The bathroom spider?" She laughed. I explained to her my horrific experience. "Okay, sure!"
!
I watched as she entered the bathroom and disposed of the fiend. My hero! She barely batted an eyelash! Amazing!
Now you know that the evil creature in my story is a spider. YES! A spider! I hate them. Why am I scared of them? I have no clue why. They're just scary! I mean there are ones that can jump! JUMP! And I read that there are ones that swim! Now I have to be scared when I'm in water too! They're evil killing machines that can snatch up poor defenseless babies, kittens, or puppies! YES YOU HEARD ME! They're friggin killers! Well, in my mind at least.
If you couldn't tell I'm afraid of spiders I'll tell you out right... I'm friggin scared of spiders! Big, small, brown, black, I don't discriminate! I hate them all! They all are scary little fuckers.
Life lesson time? Hmmm, I guess it's okay to be scared. It's part of life. Whether you are scared of spiders, bears, pigs, fish...it's okay. Everyone is scared of something. It's how you face your fears that shows your true character. Yea I couldn't kill the spider, but I still took a shower without fainting. I think that shows my bravery. Hahaha! Yea right...
P.S. Spiders suck! :o)
Okay, so this morning I went to the bathroom to take a shower. I grabbed my necessities and exited my room. I entered the bathroom thinking all was okay when suddenly I spotted it. My eyes zeroed in on it like a hawk spotting a mouse in a field.
It was a tan color, like the color of sand. It was a fairly good size, although to me size doesn't matter, I hate them all. It's eight legs were a little on the long side as they clung to the wall.
My mouth popped into an 'O' shape and my eyes widened in terror. What was I going to do now? Should I go and get someone to kill the fiend? No, I couldn't just wake up one of my housemates because of my fear...right? I shook my head knowing I couldn't do that. I just need to deal with it, and hopefully not get killed or injured in the process.
I went through my movements watching the evil creature, never once removing my eyes from it. I got into the shower, peeking over the shower doors to make sure it didn't move towards me. I was safe...for now.
I showered hurriedly, scrubbing the shampoo into my scalp with my fingertips when I decided to take my next peek. To my horror it began moving. No! Why!? Why is this happening!? I just want a shower!
I decided my only way to survive was to scare it. That should work, right? I mean my momma always said that it's probably just as scared of you as you are of it... Although, I doubt it was. These creatures aren't scared of shit, excuse my language. - Side note. Why do people say excuse my French when they curse? I mean it's not like the French are cursing fiends. I mean seriously, their curse words probably don't even sound like shit and bitch, they probably say them in, I don't know, their own language!- Anyways, this thing would definitely not be scared, but I'll try my best.
I screamed. What? If you saw it moving towards you, you'd scream to! I cried tearlessly. It was stuck between one of those half scared laugh and crying. You know what a scared laugh is right? It's like when you're so scared you don't know what to do besides laugh. I did that on a roller coaster once but it wasn't because I was scared. I told my best friend/sister's little sister, R (that's what she'll be called), that the ride was slow because she was scared to go on. I forgot that the roller coaster was in fact NOT slow and would toss us around in our seats quite violently. As I heard her screams I felt horrible! I felt so bad but my reaction to it was to LAUGH! I friggin was giggling and laughing out right like a mad woman! *Shakes my head* But I digress.
So now I'm laughing/crying in the shower and I begin trying to yell at it.
"Please! Stop moving! Don't come this way! Please stop!" *Laugh/crying* "Stay on your side of the bathroom!"
It stopped where it was. Thank God! Every time it would attempt to move it would fall slightly and dangle which caused me to shriek slightly each time. I hurriedly finished my shower, always watching it's movements.
I dried myself off as fast as I could, threw on my robe, grabbed my stuff and raced out of the bathroom. Great, now I won't be able to go to the bathroom all day.
After getting myself ready I heard my housemates so I decided to go talk to them, ask them a question really. I approached my housemate, S (This will be her name in this).
"S, will you please kill the bathroom spider!?" I asked.
"The bathroom spider?" She laughed. I explained to her my horrific experience. "Okay, sure!"
!
I watched as she entered the bathroom and disposed of the fiend. My hero! She barely batted an eyelash! Amazing!
Now you know that the evil creature in my story is a spider. YES! A spider! I hate them. Why am I scared of them? I have no clue why. They're just scary! I mean there are ones that can jump! JUMP! And I read that there are ones that swim! Now I have to be scared when I'm in water too! They're evil killing machines that can snatch up poor defenseless babies, kittens, or puppies! YES YOU HEARD ME! They're friggin killers! Well, in my mind at least.
If you couldn't tell I'm afraid of spiders I'll tell you out right... I'm friggin scared of spiders! Big, small, brown, black, I don't discriminate! I hate them all! They all are scary little fuckers.
Life lesson time? Hmmm, I guess it's okay to be scared. It's part of life. Whether you are scared of spiders, bears, pigs, fish...it's okay. Everyone is scared of something. It's how you face your fears that shows your true character. Yea I couldn't kill the spider, but I still took a shower without fainting. I think that shows my bravery. Hahaha! Yea right...
P.S. Spiders suck! :o)
Monday, February 22, 2010
Hold on...When Life Doesn't Cut It!
She takes the scissors and draws the blade across her skin, on her ribs and on her hips. It doesn’t bleed, she doesn’t want it to. Soon it starts to sting, and she lets the tears freely fall down her face. She constantly feels alone. Death surrounds her. She hates herself, she hates cancer. She wonders why these things are happening. Images pass through her mind like a slideshow, painful memories appearing tearing her insides apart. She cries harder and brings the blade to her skin again, longing for a release; she can deal with the physical pain.
When she’s done she takes a shower trying to wash the feeling of disgust away. She hates herself. The hot water hits her skin and feels nice till it gets to her cuts. They begin to sting. Good, she thinks. It’s what I deserve. At least I know I’m alive. The feelings she was trying to get rid of remain as she gets out of the shower.
After getting dressed she hangs out with her friends. She smiles and pretends she’s okay. She laughs when she is supposed to and makes jokes at the appropriate times. Everything seems fine, and she is happy for that. She walks to class; her bag bounces on her hip where her cuts are. They hurt, but she could care less. This is her life…and she hates it.
I guess I should put in a zen life lesson like always...*sighs* Well, my best advice is to talk to someone. Someone you really trust. It's a hard thing to do in this situation, but you need to try. Or instead of talking to someone when you feel like cutting do something to distract yourself. Go on your computer and write it down in a document. Do art, dance, sing...do something! However hard it maybe it will work out in the end. According to this person that I love to death, Ro, you just have to believe.
Here is a song that really goes with this post:
"Hold On" - Wilson Phillips
I know this pain
Why do lock yourself up in these chains?
No one can change your life except for you
Don't ever let anyone step all over you
Just open your heart and your mind
Is it really fair to feel this way inside?
[Chorus:]
Some day somebody's gonna make you want to
Turn around and say goodbye
Until then baby are you going to let them
Hold you down and make you cry
Don't you know?
Don't you know things can change
Things'll go your way
If you hold on for one more day
Can you hold on for one more day
Things'll go your way
Hold on for one more day
You could sustain
Or are you comfortable with the pain?
You've got no one to blame for your unhappiness
You got yourself into your own mess
Lettin' your worries pass you by
Don't you think it's worth your time
To change your mind?
[Chorus]
I know that there is pain
But you hold on for one more day and
Break free the chains
Yeah I know that there is pain
But you hold on for one more day and you
Break free, break from the chains
Some day somebody's gonna make you want to
Turn around and say goodbye
Until then baby are you going to let them
Hold you down and make you cry
Don't you know?
Don't you know things can change
Things'll go your way
If you hold on for one more day yeah
If you hold on
Don't you know things can change
Things'll go your way
If you hold on for one more day,
If you hold on
Can you hold on
Hold on baby
Won't you tell me now
Hold on for one more day 'Cause
It's gonna go your way
Don't you know things can change
Things'll go your way
If you hold on for one more day
Can't you change it this time
Make up your mind
Hold on
Hold on
Baby hold on
When she’s done she takes a shower trying to wash the feeling of disgust away. She hates herself. The hot water hits her skin and feels nice till it gets to her cuts. They begin to sting. Good, she thinks. It’s what I deserve. At least I know I’m alive. The feelings she was trying to get rid of remain as she gets out of the shower.
After getting dressed she hangs out with her friends. She smiles and pretends she’s okay. She laughs when she is supposed to and makes jokes at the appropriate times. Everything seems fine, and she is happy for that. She walks to class; her bag bounces on her hip where her cuts are. They hurt, but she could care less. This is her life…and she hates it.
I guess I should put in a zen life lesson like always...*sighs* Well, my best advice is to talk to someone. Someone you really trust. It's a hard thing to do in this situation, but you need to try. Or instead of talking to someone when you feel like cutting do something to distract yourself. Go on your computer and write it down in a document. Do art, dance, sing...do something! However hard it maybe it will work out in the end. According to this person that I love to death, Ro, you just have to believe.
Here is a song that really goes with this post:
"Hold On" - Wilson Phillips
I know this pain
Why do lock yourself up in these chains?
No one can change your life except for you
Don't ever let anyone step all over you
Just open your heart and your mind
Is it really fair to feel this way inside?
[Chorus:]
Some day somebody's gonna make you want to
Turn around and say goodbye
Until then baby are you going to let them
Hold you down and make you cry
Don't you know?
Don't you know things can change
Things'll go your way
If you hold on for one more day
Can you hold on for one more day
Things'll go your way
Hold on for one more day
You could sustain
Or are you comfortable with the pain?
You've got no one to blame for your unhappiness
You got yourself into your own mess
Lettin' your worries pass you by
Don't you think it's worth your time
To change your mind?
[Chorus]
I know that there is pain
But you hold on for one more day and
Break free the chains
Yeah I know that there is pain
But you hold on for one more day and you
Break free, break from the chains
Some day somebody's gonna make you want to
Turn around and say goodbye
Until then baby are you going to let them
Hold you down and make you cry
Don't you know?
Don't you know things can change
Things'll go your way
If you hold on for one more day yeah
If you hold on
Don't you know things can change
Things'll go your way
If you hold on for one more day,
If you hold on
Can you hold on
Hold on baby
Won't you tell me now
Hold on for one more day 'Cause
It's gonna go your way
Don't you know things can change
Things'll go your way
If you hold on for one more day
Can't you change it this time
Make up your mind
Hold on
Hold on
Baby hold on
Thursday, November 19, 2009
That Time...It Haunts Her.
She sits there remembering that time that haunts her... It was New Years Eve and she went to the city with her cousin. She was at her cousin's boyfriend's apartment, they were drinking and having fun. Her and her cousin fought, and she sat in a room crying. A friend of her cousin's boyfriend came into the room, it was going to be twelve in just a few moments. She heard the countdown begin, 10...9...8...7...6...5...4...3...2...he grabbed her face and kissed her. She didn't struggle she was upset and felt comforted by the kiss. She was a bit shocked when he did it though, but couldn't help the large smile that appeared on her face after that kiss. Later that night her cousin had gone to help her boyfriend because he was fighting, got pissed and left. She was alone with the guy that kissed her. He took her into the elevator and kissed her again, this time it was more lust filled. She was confused though as to why they were in the elevator, so she voiced her question, "Where are you taking me?"
"To the roof." He told her attacking her lips again. She pulled away breathing heavily.
"Okay, but why?" She questioned, getting nervous. She wasn't going to go any further than kissing. She just met the guy that day.
"Because." She knew she needed to get out of that elevator. He kissed her roughly, she kissed back. His hands teasing the bottom of her shirt as he slipped them under. He brought his hand to her chest and she began to protest. She tried to pull away from him and push his hands away, but he was bigger, stronger than her.
"Stop." She said trying once again to push him away. Instead of receiving understanding she received anger.
"You know you want it!" He said angrily, pulling her back to him. He brought his hands to her once again while she struggled against his touch.
Tears sprang from her eyes as she continued to struggle. "Stop. Please." She begged to him. He shoved her away, and she frantically tried to stop the elevator. He didn't speak a word after that. She stepped off the elevator, wiped her eyes, and composed herself. She half ran half walked back to the apartment, hoping and praying that when she saw her cousin she wouldn't see the fear, pain, and sorrow that was newly evident in her eyes.
She blamed herself then and she blames herself now. She will never forget how he touched her, how she cried, and the fear she felt in that elevator.
Zen life lesson time! Don't let yourself get into a situation like her. Don't let anyone try and force you into something you don't want. Be strong, keep fighting, and keep your head held high. Don't let anyone make you feel less about yourself.
"To the roof." He told her attacking her lips again. She pulled away breathing heavily.
"Okay, but why?" She questioned, getting nervous. She wasn't going to go any further than kissing. She just met the guy that day.
"Because." She knew she needed to get out of that elevator. He kissed her roughly, she kissed back. His hands teasing the bottom of her shirt as he slipped them under. He brought his hand to her chest and she began to protest. She tried to pull away from him and push his hands away, but he was bigger, stronger than her.
"Stop." She said trying once again to push him away. Instead of receiving understanding she received anger.
"You know you want it!" He said angrily, pulling her back to him. He brought his hands to her once again while she struggled against his touch.
Tears sprang from her eyes as she continued to struggle. "Stop. Please." She begged to him. He shoved her away, and she frantically tried to stop the elevator. He didn't speak a word after that. She stepped off the elevator, wiped her eyes, and composed herself. She half ran half walked back to the apartment, hoping and praying that when she saw her cousin she wouldn't see the fear, pain, and sorrow that was newly evident in her eyes.
She blamed herself then and she blames herself now. She will never forget how he touched her, how she cried, and the fear she felt in that elevator.
Zen life lesson time! Don't let yourself get into a situation like her. Don't let anyone try and force you into something you don't want. Be strong, keep fighting, and keep your head held high. Don't let anyone make you feel less about yourself.
Friday, October 23, 2009
Forgetting...is Just as Hard as Remembering! (warning depressing content)
September 17, 2007 was one of the worst days of my life, thus far. Why? Well, my grandfather died. The death certificate read that he died of acute lung cancer. The only thing that eased my mind was that he wasn't in pain any longer.
I regret so many things. I regret not realizing how sick he was. I regret not telling him I Love You more. I regret not singing that song to him. And I regret being mad at him for dying. I knew my grandpa had cancer, but never thought much of it. I thought he was invincible, he was my family's Superman, My Superman. The day I realized I was wrong was the day of my high school graduation.
It was a beautiful day outside and some of my family had showed up early to watch me walk, including my grandpa. Everything was going smoothly, until I realized my grandfather wasn't outside with the rest of us. He loved being outside, and couldn't pass up a chance to play dominoes, which some of my family were playing, because of the Puerto Rican in him. I decided to go look for him. I found him inside sleeping. I knew the chemo must have been making him tired. He slept most of the day.
July came and it was time for Nationals in Las Vagas. By then I had discovered that the treatments weren't working, and my grandpa decided not to try anymore. He hated what the treatments did to him. He said if you was going to die anyways he didn't want to be really sick because of the treatments. My grandpa went to Puerto Rico with some family, he believed it would be his last visit. Although Las Vagas was fun, I longed to be in Puerto Rico with my grandfather.
The rest of the summer went by quickly after that, and the start of college came. I had started to try and visit every chance I had. My older cousin had moved into my grandparent's basement apartment. She was pregnant and she gave me the privilege of being the godmother.
I watched as my grandfather got weaker and weaker, slowly withering away. I remember watching t.v one day when I had come to visit. I was laying down on the bed with him, resting my head on his shoulder and cuddling against him like I was a little girl again. Tears silently slipped down my cheeks, and I quickly tried to wipe them away without him noticing. But he noticed despite my efforts. "Please don't cry. It makes me feel bad." He told me gently. My heart nearly shattered into a gazillion pieces, and I suppressed more tears.
The next time I visited they had moved him into a hospital bed located in the den/t.v room. I was watching him while my grandma went to her appointment, and my grandfather decided he wanted to cook -- he was always a great cook. I helped him get the ingredients and cut them up while he added them and stirred. We made hotdogs with onion sauce. It was delicious.
My grandma was so happy when she walked in and found us cooking. We all sat down and talked about cooking and all different things for a while, but then we got to the subject of singing. I sang them a song, and my grandpa requested me to sing Wind Beneath My Wings by Bette Midler. I told him I didn't know it so I wasn't going to sing it. Even after he pleaded with me to sing what I knew, I didn't. I wish I just sang him the damn song because it would have made him happy.
That night I went to him and sat by his bed. I sang to him, but when I got did O Danny Boy I sort of couldn't handle it.
Oh Danny boy, the pipes, the pipes are calling
From glen to glen, and down the mountain side
The summer's gone, and all the Roses falling
It's you, It's you must go and I must bide.
But come ye back when summer's in the meadow
Or when the valley's hushed and white with snow
It's I'll be here in sunshine or in shadow
Oh Danny boy, oh Danny boy, I love you so.
And if you come, when all the flowers are dying
If I am dead, as dead I well may be
You'll come and find the place where I am lying
And kneel and say an "Ave" there for me.
And I shall hear, tho' soft you tread above me
And all my grave will warm and sweeter be
For you shall bend and tell me that you love me
And I shall sleep in peace until you come to me.
I heard my grandma and uncles talking in the kitchen about me singing to him. I faintly heard my grandma crying a bit. They had been using a video baby monitor, one of my cousin's baby presents, to watch my grandpa, so they seen and heard everything. I climbed into bed and rested my head on his shoulder as he whispered a thank you to me.
On September 16, 2007 my boyfriend was driving me back to school and we stopped at my grandparent's house. They had a bunch of people over, and my grandfather's favorite Spanish band was there to play for him. I admired my dad and uncle's handy work on my way into the house. They had built a ramp for my grandfather's wheelchair the past weekend. My grandpa was so proud of them because he was such a builder and his sons were following in his footsteps. The way he beamed when he saw that ramp was unforgettable.
However that day all he did was sleep. You would have thought he was dead already if it wasn't for the rising and falling of his chest. The band couldn't even wake him up. I had laid down next to him and my mom decided to take some pics. I was crying and he was in his coma like state, I HATE those pictures.
I had to leave and he was still sleeping, so I kissed his cheek and said goodbye. I was on the sidewalk when my mother burst through the front door and told me he was awake. I didn't even hesitate, I ran to him as fast as possible. When he opened his eyes and looked at us (the women in the family) he asked softly, yet sternly, "Why are all you crazy women crying?" Causing us to sniffle and chuckle a bit. I kissed him on his cheek, said I had to go, that I loved him, and goodbye. The last words he ever told me were, "I love you too."
I got back to school and went to sleep as normal. At three forty something in the morning I was awakened by my phone going off. I answered quickly quickly so my roommates wouldn't get woken up. It was my mom calling to tell me that my grandfather was gone. I told her okay, only half aware what was going on. I didn't cry though, not yet at least. I got down from my bed and went to the lobby on my floor. I called my boyfriend to tell him and my dad to make sure he knew. As soon as I hung up the phone the tears came. I sat there crying for a couple minutes hugging my knees to my chest. I pulled my self together and called my mom to tell her to come get me from school.
That day I talked to all my teachers, informing them that I was going to be absent for the rest of the week. They told me they understood and gave me their condolences. My mom picked me up and took me to my grandma's because I wanted to stay with her. I won't go into that yet because I am going to make a post about my grandmother and I, so you'll just have to wait and learn about her. Also my little cousin's b-day was September 16, we say that he waited because he knew he couldn't to that to my cousin.
That night we (my aunt, uncle, prego cousin, grams, and I) were making the collages for the wake. Seeing the old pictures of him and I my insides tare, but I didn't let myself cry because I knew I had to be strong for my grams. It was almost expected of me not to cry in a way. My uncle however didn't take the memories as well as I did. He went and found a crowbar and started tare down the ramp outside. He kicked at the railings trying to make them budge. I just sat in the kitchen like nothing was happening while my aunt, cousin and grandma were freaking out on him. They were yelling at him that he was going to hurt himself, but he continued what he was doing. Sometimes I wish I had gone out and joined him. When the ramp was gone he came back inside and said, "Why can't you guys be like Krys? She just sat there and let me do it." I smiled a sad smile at him and simply said, "You needed to let it out, I understand."
I helped clean my grandma's house (so weird that is was just her's now) because the reception was being held there after the grave site. A family friend was kind enough to make all the food for that day, so that was set. My father and I had a falling out before the wake, but I didn't care. All the emotions inside were making me numb.
I sang twice, once at his night wake and once at the funeral (and at the grave site with everyone else). I sang I Can Only Imagine by Mercy Me (http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/mercyme/icanonlyimagine.html) at his wake and Homesick by Mercy Me (http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/mercyme/homesick.html) at his funeral. We said our last goodbyes before the precession. The children (my aunt, uncle, and dad) and my grandmother were the last to leave.
My aunt had lost it and wanted to get in the coffin with him. Truth is that I wanted to climb in, close the lid, and be buried with him myself, but I couldn't, he wouldn't want me to. I rode in the car with my cousins (all the grandchildren in one car) during the precession. When we turned on the radio the first song on was Together Again by Janet Jackson (http://www.metrolyrics.com/together-again-lyrics-janet-jackson.html). I looked at my cousin at the same time as she looked at me with slightly wide eyes. A smile spread across our faces and she said, "It's him!" We cranked the music and sang along. We started counting the cars that were following us. It was amazing, my grandfather was so loved, and he had been kind to so many. There was at least 40 cars, I couldn't believe it!
At the grave site there were some final words and then we all sang Amazing Grace. Not many people know the whole song because it's usually left out, so when everyone stopped I continued to sing. I remember hearing the slight sobs rip out from my grandmother and aunt as I finished the song...
When we've been here ten thousand years
Bright shining as the sun.
We've no less days to sing God's praise
Than when we've first begun.
Than when we've first begun.
Life continued on as normal as possible after that. I lost weight because I hardly ate. I was 117lbs, which isn't crazy unhealthy, but it made the people at the school health center shove a bunch of anorexia and healthy eating guides in my face. I was so mad at my grandfather when he died. I thought why couldn't you have tried harder? Fought harder? I need you! But I was wrong to be angry. I know that he fought, he tried, and that he loved us all, but it was his time and he had told us so. He had told my grandma that he had to go to work that night he had died. She told me that she believes he knew and that he was going to heaven to work for God. Some of you may think that is silly, but silly or not I rather believe that than believe there is nothing left of him.
I would break down at times when I was alone, never letting anyone see. I still cry at random times when thinking of him. Like when driving and a thought of him comes to me so do the tears to my eyes.
Anyways here is the end. Forgetting someone or something is just as hard as remembering them. My advice is don't forget; although remembering is sad or painful, those memories are what make you...you! My grandfather's death has changed my life. I treasure each moment I spend with my loved ones even more than I had before. I visit more often and am thankful everyday for those memories I have with my family, memories of my Superman!
I'll leave you with one more song that reminds me of him:
"When I Look To the Sky" by Train
When it rains it pours and opens doors
And floods the floors we thought would always keep us safe and dry
And in the midst of sailing ships we sink our lips into the ones we love
That have to say goodbye
And as I float along this ocean
I can feel you like a notion that won't seem to let me go
Cause when I look to the sky something tells me you're here with me
And you make everything alright
And when I feel like I'm lost something tells me you're here with me
And I can always find my way when you are here
And every word I didn't say that caught up in some busy day
And every dance on the kitchen floor we didn't have before
And every sunset that we'll miss I'll wrap them all up in a kiss
And pick you up in all of this when I sail away
And as I float along this ocean
I can feel you like a notion that I hope will never leave
Whether I am up or down or in or out or just plane overhead
Instead it just feels like it is impossible to fly
But with you I can spread my wings
to see me over everything that life may send me
When I am hoping it won't pass me by
And when I feel like there is no one that will ever know me
there you are to show me
Cause when I look to the sky something tells me you're here with me
And you make everything alright
And when I feel like I'm lost something tells me you're here with me
And I can always find my way when you are here [X2]
The family! My dad is the one resting his head on his father's lap!
The Grandchildren! We love him so!
We were broken!
A reminder of our Superman! Everybody has one, make sure they know they're yours before it's too late!
I regret so many things. I regret not realizing how sick he was. I regret not telling him I Love You more. I regret not singing that song to him. And I regret being mad at him for dying. I knew my grandpa had cancer, but never thought much of it. I thought he was invincible, he was my family's Superman, My Superman. The day I realized I was wrong was the day of my high school graduation.
It was a beautiful day outside and some of my family had showed up early to watch me walk, including my grandpa. Everything was going smoothly, until I realized my grandfather wasn't outside with the rest of us. He loved being outside, and couldn't pass up a chance to play dominoes, which some of my family were playing, because of the Puerto Rican in him. I decided to go look for him. I found him inside sleeping. I knew the chemo must have been making him tired. He slept most of the day.
July came and it was time for Nationals in Las Vagas. By then I had discovered that the treatments weren't working, and my grandpa decided not to try anymore. He hated what the treatments did to him. He said if you was going to die anyways he didn't want to be really sick because of the treatments. My grandpa went to Puerto Rico with some family, he believed it would be his last visit. Although Las Vagas was fun, I longed to be in Puerto Rico with my grandfather.
The rest of the summer went by quickly after that, and the start of college came. I had started to try and visit every chance I had. My older cousin had moved into my grandparent's basement apartment. She was pregnant and she gave me the privilege of being the godmother.
I watched as my grandfather got weaker and weaker, slowly withering away. I remember watching t.v one day when I had come to visit. I was laying down on the bed with him, resting my head on his shoulder and cuddling against him like I was a little girl again. Tears silently slipped down my cheeks, and I quickly tried to wipe them away without him noticing. But he noticed despite my efforts. "Please don't cry. It makes me feel bad." He told me gently. My heart nearly shattered into a gazillion pieces, and I suppressed more tears.
The next time I visited they had moved him into a hospital bed located in the den/t.v room. I was watching him while my grandma went to her appointment, and my grandfather decided he wanted to cook -- he was always a great cook. I helped him get the ingredients and cut them up while he added them and stirred. We made hotdogs with onion sauce. It was delicious.
My grandma was so happy when she walked in and found us cooking. We all sat down and talked about cooking and all different things for a while, but then we got to the subject of singing. I sang them a song, and my grandpa requested me to sing Wind Beneath My Wings by Bette Midler. I told him I didn't know it so I wasn't going to sing it. Even after he pleaded with me to sing what I knew, I didn't. I wish I just sang him the damn song because it would have made him happy.
That night I went to him and sat by his bed. I sang to him, but when I got did O Danny Boy I sort of couldn't handle it.
Oh Danny boy, the pipes, the pipes are calling
From glen to glen, and down the mountain side
The summer's gone, and all the Roses falling
It's you, It's you must go and I must bide.
But come ye back when summer's in the meadow
Or when the valley's hushed and white with snow
It's I'll be here in sunshine or in shadow
Oh Danny boy, oh Danny boy, I love you so.
And if you come, when all the flowers are dying
If I am dead, as dead I well may be
You'll come and find the place where I am lying
And kneel and say an "Ave" there for me.
And I shall hear, tho' soft you tread above me
And all my grave will warm and sweeter be
For you shall bend and tell me that you love me
And I shall sleep in peace until you come to me.
I heard my grandma and uncles talking in the kitchen about me singing to him. I faintly heard my grandma crying a bit. They had been using a video baby monitor, one of my cousin's baby presents, to watch my grandpa, so they seen and heard everything. I climbed into bed and rested my head on his shoulder as he whispered a thank you to me.
On September 16, 2007 my boyfriend was driving me back to school and we stopped at my grandparent's house. They had a bunch of people over, and my grandfather's favorite Spanish band was there to play for him. I admired my dad and uncle's handy work on my way into the house. They had built a ramp for my grandfather's wheelchair the past weekend. My grandpa was so proud of them because he was such a builder and his sons were following in his footsteps. The way he beamed when he saw that ramp was unforgettable.
However that day all he did was sleep. You would have thought he was dead already if it wasn't for the rising and falling of his chest. The band couldn't even wake him up. I had laid down next to him and my mom decided to take some pics. I was crying and he was in his coma like state, I HATE those pictures.
I had to leave and he was still sleeping, so I kissed his cheek and said goodbye. I was on the sidewalk when my mother burst through the front door and told me he was awake. I didn't even hesitate, I ran to him as fast as possible. When he opened his eyes and looked at us (the women in the family) he asked softly, yet sternly, "Why are all you crazy women crying?" Causing us to sniffle and chuckle a bit. I kissed him on his cheek, said I had to go, that I loved him, and goodbye. The last words he ever told me were, "I love you too."
I got back to school and went to sleep as normal. At three forty something in the morning I was awakened by my phone going off. I answered quickly quickly so my roommates wouldn't get woken up. It was my mom calling to tell me that my grandfather was gone. I told her okay, only half aware what was going on. I didn't cry though, not yet at least. I got down from my bed and went to the lobby on my floor. I called my boyfriend to tell him and my dad to make sure he knew. As soon as I hung up the phone the tears came. I sat there crying for a couple minutes hugging my knees to my chest. I pulled my self together and called my mom to tell her to come get me from school.
That day I talked to all my teachers, informing them that I was going to be absent for the rest of the week. They told me they understood and gave me their condolences. My mom picked me up and took me to my grandma's because I wanted to stay with her. I won't go into that yet because I am going to make a post about my grandmother and I, so you'll just have to wait and learn about her. Also my little cousin's b-day was September 16, we say that he waited because he knew he couldn't to that to my cousin.
That night we (my aunt, uncle, prego cousin, grams, and I) were making the collages for the wake. Seeing the old pictures of him and I my insides tare, but I didn't let myself cry because I knew I had to be strong for my grams. It was almost expected of me not to cry in a way. My uncle however didn't take the memories as well as I did. He went and found a crowbar and started tare down the ramp outside. He kicked at the railings trying to make them budge. I just sat in the kitchen like nothing was happening while my aunt, cousin and grandma were freaking out on him. They were yelling at him that he was going to hurt himself, but he continued what he was doing. Sometimes I wish I had gone out and joined him. When the ramp was gone he came back inside and said, "Why can't you guys be like Krys? She just sat there and let me do it." I smiled a sad smile at him and simply said, "You needed to let it out, I understand."
I helped clean my grandma's house (so weird that is was just her's now) because the reception was being held there after the grave site. A family friend was kind enough to make all the food for that day, so that was set. My father and I had a falling out before the wake, but I didn't care. All the emotions inside were making me numb.
I sang twice, once at his night wake and once at the funeral (and at the grave site with everyone else). I sang I Can Only Imagine by Mercy Me (http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/mercyme/icanonlyimagine.html) at his wake and Homesick by Mercy Me (http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/mercyme/homesick.html) at his funeral. We said our last goodbyes before the precession. The children (my aunt, uncle, and dad) and my grandmother were the last to leave.
My aunt had lost it and wanted to get in the coffin with him. Truth is that I wanted to climb in, close the lid, and be buried with him myself, but I couldn't, he wouldn't want me to. I rode in the car with my cousins (all the grandchildren in one car) during the precession. When we turned on the radio the first song on was Together Again by Janet Jackson (http://www.metrolyrics.com/together-again-lyrics-janet-jackson.html). I looked at my cousin at the same time as she looked at me with slightly wide eyes. A smile spread across our faces and she said, "It's him!" We cranked the music and sang along. We started counting the cars that were following us. It was amazing, my grandfather was so loved, and he had been kind to so many. There was at least 40 cars, I couldn't believe it!
At the grave site there were some final words and then we all sang Amazing Grace. Not many people know the whole song because it's usually left out, so when everyone stopped I continued to sing. I remember hearing the slight sobs rip out from my grandmother and aunt as I finished the song...
When we've been here ten thousand years
Bright shining as the sun.
We've no less days to sing God's praise
Than when we've first begun.
Than when we've first begun.
Life continued on as normal as possible after that. I lost weight because I hardly ate. I was 117lbs, which isn't crazy unhealthy, but it made the people at the school health center shove a bunch of anorexia and healthy eating guides in my face. I was so mad at my grandfather when he died. I thought why couldn't you have tried harder? Fought harder? I need you! But I was wrong to be angry. I know that he fought, he tried, and that he loved us all, but it was his time and he had told us so. He had told my grandma that he had to go to work that night he had died. She told me that she believes he knew and that he was going to heaven to work for God. Some of you may think that is silly, but silly or not I rather believe that than believe there is nothing left of him.
I would break down at times when I was alone, never letting anyone see. I still cry at random times when thinking of him. Like when driving and a thought of him comes to me so do the tears to my eyes.
Anyways here is the end. Forgetting someone or something is just as hard as remembering them. My advice is don't forget; although remembering is sad or painful, those memories are what make you...you! My grandfather's death has changed my life. I treasure each moment I spend with my loved ones even more than I had before. I visit more often and am thankful everyday for those memories I have with my family, memories of my Superman!
I'll leave you with one more song that reminds me of him:
"When I Look To the Sky" by Train
When it rains it pours and opens doors
And floods the floors we thought would always keep us safe and dry
And in the midst of sailing ships we sink our lips into the ones we love
That have to say goodbye
And as I float along this ocean
I can feel you like a notion that won't seem to let me go
Cause when I look to the sky something tells me you're here with me
And you make everything alright
And when I feel like I'm lost something tells me you're here with me
And I can always find my way when you are here
And every word I didn't say that caught up in some busy day
And every dance on the kitchen floor we didn't have before
And every sunset that we'll miss I'll wrap them all up in a kiss
And pick you up in all of this when I sail away
And as I float along this ocean
I can feel you like a notion that I hope will never leave
Whether I am up or down or in or out or just plane overhead
Instead it just feels like it is impossible to fly
But with you I can spread my wings
to see me over everything that life may send me
When I am hoping it won't pass me by
And when I feel like there is no one that will ever know me
there you are to show me
Cause when I look to the sky something tells me you're here with me
And you make everything alright
And when I feel like I'm lost something tells me you're here with me
And I can always find my way when you are here [X2]
The family! My dad is the one resting his head on his father's lap!
The Grandchildren! We love him so!
We were broken!
A reminder of our Superman! Everybody has one, make sure they know they're yours before it's too late!
Thursday, October 22, 2009
Thank You Grandpa
When I was a little girl,
I used to laugh and play
I fell and got a boo boo
And you would make it all okay
Then I became a teenager
Afraid and unaware
You told me I was beautiful
You showed me that you cared
When I graduated High School
You were there to watch me walk
You told me you were proud of me
We really got to talk
Then I soon found out
That your cancer spread
The chemo didn’t work
Soon you would be dead
Soon I had to say good bye
And I will never forget
The time you said I love you too
Before you took your last breath
I will always love you
I know you are okay
And grandpa I am proud of you
You made me who I am today
I used to laugh and play
I fell and got a boo boo
And you would make it all okay
Then I became a teenager
Afraid and unaware
You told me I was beautiful
You showed me that you cared
When I graduated High School
You were there to watch me walk
You told me you were proud of me
We really got to talk
Then I soon found out
That your cancer spread
The chemo didn’t work
Soon you would be dead
Soon I had to say good bye
And I will never forget
The time you said I love you too
Before you took your last breath
I will always love you
I know you are okay
And grandpa I am proud of you
You made me who I am today
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