Forgetting...is Just as Hard as Remembering! (warning depressing content)

September 17, 2007 was one of the worst days of my life, thus far. Why? Well, my grandfather died. The death certificate read that he died of acute lung cancer. The only thing that eased my mind was that he wasn't in pain any longer.

I regret so many things. I regret not realizing how sick he was. I regret not telling him I Love You more. I regret not singing that song to him. And I regret being mad at him for dying. I knew my grandpa had cancer, but never thought much of it. I thought he was invincible, he was my family's Superman, My Superman. The day I realized I was wrong was the day of my high school graduation.

It was a beautiful day outside and some of my family had showed up early to watch me walk, including my grandpa. Everything was going smoothly, until I realized my grandfather wasn't outside with the rest of us. He loved being outside, and couldn't pass up a chance to play dominoes, which some of my family were playing, because of the Puerto Rican in him. I decided to go look for him. I found him inside sleeping. I knew the chemo must have been making him tired. He slept most of the day.

July came and it was time for Nationals in Las Vagas. By then I had discovered that the treatments weren't working, and my grandpa decided not to try anymore. He hated what the treatments did to him. He said if you was going to die anyways he didn't want to be really sick because of the treatments. My grandpa went to Puerto Rico with some family, he believed it would be his last visit. Although Las Vagas was fun, I longed to be in Puerto Rico with my grandfather.

The rest of the summer went by quickly after that, and the start of college came. I had started to try and visit every chance I had. My older cousin had moved into my grandparent's basement apartment. She was pregnant and she gave me the privilege of being the godmother.

I watched as my grandfather got weaker and weaker, slowly withering away. I remember watching t.v one day when I had come to visit. I was laying down on the bed with him, resting my head on his shoulder and cuddling against him like I was a little girl again. Tears silently slipped down my cheeks, and I quickly tried to wipe them away without him noticing. But he noticed despite my efforts. "Please don't cry. It makes me feel bad." He told me gently. My heart nearly shattered into a gazillion pieces, and I suppressed more tears.

The next time I visited they had moved him into a hospital bed located in the den/t.v room. I was watching him while my grandma went to her appointment, and my grandfather decided he wanted to cook -- he was always a great cook. I helped him get the ingredients and cut them up while he added them and stirred. We made hotdogs with onion sauce. It was delicious.

My grandma was so happy when she walked in and found us cooking. We all sat down and talked about cooking and all different things for a while, but then we got to the subject of singing. I sang them a song, and my grandpa requested me to sing Wind Beneath My Wings by Bette Midler. I told him I didn't know it so I wasn't going to sing it. Even after he pleaded with me to sing what I knew, I didn't. I wish I just sang him the damn song because it would have made him happy.

That night I went to him and sat by his bed. I sang to him, but when I got did O Danny Boy I sort of couldn't handle it.

Oh Danny boy, the pipes, the pipes are calling
From glen to glen, and down the mountain side
The summer's gone, and all the Roses falling
It's you, It's you must go and I must bide.

But come ye back when summer's in the meadow
Or when the valley's hushed and white with snow
It's I'll be here in sunshine or in shadow
Oh Danny boy, oh Danny boy, I love you so.

And if you come, when all the flowers are dying
If I am dead, as dead I well may be
You'll come and find the place where I am lying
And kneel and say an "Ave" there for me.

And I shall hear, tho' soft you tread above me
And all my grave will warm and sweeter be
For you shall bend and tell me that you love me
And I shall sleep in peace until you come to me.

I heard my grandma and uncles talking in the kitchen about me singing to him. I faintly heard my grandma crying a bit. They had been using a video baby monitor, one of my cousin's baby presents, to watch my grandpa, so they seen and heard everything. I climbed into bed and rested my head on his shoulder as he whispered a thank you to me.

On September 16, 2007 my boyfriend was driving me back to school and we stopped at my grandparent's house. They had a bunch of people over, and my grandfather's favorite Spanish band was there to play for him. I admired my dad and uncle's handy work on my way into the house. They had built a ramp for my grandfather's wheelchair the past weekend. My grandpa was so proud of them because he was such a builder and his sons were following in his footsteps. The way he beamed when he saw that ramp was unforgettable.

However that day all he did was sleep. You would have thought he was dead already if it wasn't for the rising and falling of his chest. The band couldn't even wake him up. I had laid down next to him and my mom decided to take some pics. I was crying and he was in his coma like state, I HATE those pictures.

I had to leave and he was still sleeping, so I kissed his cheek and said goodbye. I was on the sidewalk when my mother burst through the front door and told me he was awake. I didn't even hesitate, I ran to him as fast as possible. When he opened his eyes and looked at us (the women in the family) he asked softly, yet sternly, "Why are all you crazy women crying?" Causing us to sniffle and chuckle a bit. I kissed him on his cheek, said I had to go, that I loved him, and goodbye. The last words he ever told me were, "I love you too."

I got back to school and went to sleep as normal. At three forty something in the morning I was awakened by my phone going off. I answered quickly quickly so my roommates wouldn't get woken up. It was my mom calling to tell me that my grandfather was gone. I told her okay, only half aware what was going on. I didn't cry though, not yet at least. I got down from my bed and went to the lobby on my floor. I called my boyfriend to tell him and my dad to make sure he knew. As soon as I hung up the phone the tears came. I sat there crying for a couple minutes hugging my knees to my chest. I pulled my self together and called my mom to tell her to come get me from school.

That day I talked to all my teachers, informing them that I was going to be absent for the rest of the week. They told me they understood and gave me their condolences. My mom picked me up and took me to my grandma's because I wanted to stay with her. I won't go into that yet because I am going to make a post about my grandmother and I, so you'll just have to wait and learn about her. Also my little cousin's b-day was September 16, we say that he waited because he knew he couldn't to that to my cousin.

That night we (my aunt, uncle, prego cousin, grams, and I) were making the collages for the wake. Seeing the old pictures of him and I my insides tare, but I didn't let myself cry because I knew I had to be strong for my grams. It was almost expected of me not to cry in a way. My uncle however didn't take the memories as well as I did. He went and found a crowbar and started tare down the ramp outside. He kicked at the railings trying to make them budge. I just sat in the kitchen like nothing was happening while my aunt, cousin and grandma were freaking out on him. They were yelling at him that he was going to hurt himself, but he continued what he was doing. Sometimes I wish I had gone out and joined him. When the ramp was gone he came back inside and said, "Why can't you guys be like Krys? She just sat there and let me do it." I smiled a sad smile at him and simply said, "You needed to let it out, I understand."

I helped clean my grandma's house (so weird that is was just her's now) because the reception was being held there after the grave site. A family friend was kind enough to make all the food for that day, so that was set. My father and I had a falling out before the wake, but I didn't care. All the emotions inside were making me numb.

I sang twice, once at his night wake and once at the funeral (and at the grave site with everyone else). I sang I Can Only Imagine by Mercy Me (http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/mercyme/icanonlyimagine.html) at his wake and Homesick by Mercy Me (http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/mercyme/homesick.html) at his funeral. We said our last goodbyes before the precession. The children (my aunt, uncle, and dad) and my grandmother were the last to leave.

My aunt had lost it and wanted to get in the coffin with him. Truth is that I wanted to climb in, close the lid, and be buried with him myself, but I couldn't, he wouldn't want me to. I rode in the car with my cousins (all the grandchildren in one car) during the precession. When we turned on the radio the first song on was Together Again by Janet Jackson (http://www.metrolyrics.com/together-again-lyrics-janet-jackson.html). I looked at my cousin at the same time as she looked at me with slightly wide eyes. A smile spread across our faces and she said, "It's him!" We cranked the music and sang along. We started counting the cars that were following us. It was amazing, my grandfather was so loved, and he had been kind to so many. There was at least 40 cars, I couldn't believe it!

At the grave site there were some final words and then we all sang Amazing Grace. Not many people know the whole song because it's usually left out, so when everyone stopped I continued to sing. I remember hearing the slight sobs rip out from my grandmother and aunt as I finished the song...

When we've been here ten thousand years
Bright shining as the sun.
We've no less days to sing God's praise
Than when we've first begun.
Than when we've first begun.

Life continued on as normal as possible after that. I lost weight because I hardly ate. I was 117lbs, which isn't crazy unhealthy, but it made the people at the school health center shove a bunch of anorexia and healthy eating guides in my face. I was so mad at my grandfather when he died. I thought why couldn't you have tried harder? Fought harder? I need you! But I was wrong to be angry. I know that he fought, he tried, and that he loved us all, but it was his time and he had told us so. He had told my grandma that he had to go to work that night he had died. She told me that she believes he knew and that he was going to heaven to work for God. Some of you may think that is silly, but silly or not I rather believe that than believe there is nothing left of him.

I would break down at times when I was alone, never letting anyone see. I still cry at random times when thinking of him. Like when driving and a thought of him comes to me so do the tears to my eyes.

Anyways here is the end. Forgetting someone or something is just as hard as remembering them. My advice is don't forget; although remembering is sad or painful, those memories are what make you...you! My grandfather's death has changed my life. I treasure each moment I spend with my loved ones even more than I had before. I visit more often and am thankful everyday for those memories I have with my family, memories of my Superman!

I'll leave you with one more song that reminds me of him:

"When I Look To the Sky" by Train

When it rains it pours and opens doors
And floods the floors we thought would always keep us safe and dry
And in the midst of sailing ships we sink our lips into the ones we love
That have to say goodbye

And as I float along this ocean
I can feel you like a notion that won't seem to let me go

Cause when I look to the sky something tells me you're here with me
And you make everything alright
And when I feel like I'm lost something tells me you're here with me
And I can always find my way when you are here

And every word I didn't say that caught up in some busy day
And every dance on the kitchen floor we didn't have before
And every sunset that we'll miss I'll wrap them all up in a kiss
And pick you up in all of this when I sail away

And as I float along this ocean
I can feel you like a notion that I hope will never leave

Whether I am up or down or in or out or just plane overhead
Instead it just feels like it is impossible to fly
But with you I can spread my wings
to see me over everything that life may send me
When I am hoping it won't pass me by

And when I feel like there is no one that will ever know me
there you are to show me

Cause when I look to the sky something tells me you're here with me
And you make everything alright
And when I feel like I'm lost something tells me you're here with me
And I can always find my way when you are here [X2]

The family! My dad is the one resting his head on his father's lap!














The Grandchildren! We love him so!














We were broken!














A reminder of our Superman! Everybody has one, make sure they know they're yours before it's too late!