She sits there remembering that time that haunts her... It was New Years Eve and she went to the city with her cousin. She was at her cousin's boyfriend's apartment, they were drinking and having fun. Her and her cousin fought, and she sat in a room crying. A friend of her cousin's boyfriend came into the room, it was going to be twelve in just a few moments. She heard the countdown begin, 10...9...8...7...6...5...4...3...2...he grabbed her face and kissed her. She didn't struggle she was upset and felt comforted by the kiss. She was a bit shocked when he did it though, but couldn't help the large smile that appeared on her face after that kiss. Later that night her cousin had gone to help her boyfriend because he was fighting, got pissed and left. She was alone with the guy that kissed her. He took her into the elevator and kissed her again, this time it was more lust filled. She was confused though as to why they were in the elevator, so she voiced her question, "Where are you taking me?"
"To the roof." He told her attacking her lips again. She pulled away breathing heavily.
"Okay, but why?" She questioned, getting nervous. She wasn't going to go any further than kissing. She just met the guy that day.
"Because." She knew she needed to get out of that elevator. He kissed her roughly, she kissed back. His hands teasing the bottom of her shirt as he slipped them under. He brought his hand to her chest and she began to protest. She tried to pull away from him and push his hands away, but he was bigger, stronger than her.
"Stop." She said trying once again to push him away. Instead of receiving understanding she received anger.
"You know you want it!" He said angrily, pulling her back to him. He brought his hands to her once again while she struggled against his touch.
Tears sprang from her eyes as she continued to struggle. "Stop. Please." She begged to him. He shoved her away, and she frantically tried to stop the elevator. He didn't speak a word after that. She stepped off the elevator, wiped her eyes, and composed herself. She half ran half walked back to the apartment, hoping and praying that when she saw her cousin she wouldn't see the fear, pain, and sorrow that was newly evident in her eyes.
She blamed herself then and she blames herself now. She will never forget how he touched her, how she cried, and the fear she felt in that elevator.
Zen life lesson time! Don't let yourself get into a situation like her. Don't let anyone try and force you into something you don't want. Be strong, keep fighting, and keep your head held high. Don't let anyone make you feel less about yourself.
Thursday, November 19, 2009
Friday, October 23, 2009
Forgetting...is Just as Hard as Remembering! (warning depressing content)
September 17, 2007 was one of the worst days of my life, thus far. Why? Well, my grandfather died. The death certificate read that he died of acute lung cancer. The only thing that eased my mind was that he wasn't in pain any longer.
I regret so many things. I regret not realizing how sick he was. I regret not telling him I Love You more. I regret not singing that song to him. And I regret being mad at him for dying. I knew my grandpa had cancer, but never thought much of it. I thought he was invincible, he was my family's Superman, My Superman. The day I realized I was wrong was the day of my high school graduation.
It was a beautiful day outside and some of my family had showed up early to watch me walk, including my grandpa. Everything was going smoothly, until I realized my grandfather wasn't outside with the rest of us. He loved being outside, and couldn't pass up a chance to play dominoes, which some of my family were playing, because of the Puerto Rican in him. I decided to go look for him. I found him inside sleeping. I knew the chemo must have been making him tired. He slept most of the day.
July came and it was time for Nationals in Las Vagas. By then I had discovered that the treatments weren't working, and my grandpa decided not to try anymore. He hated what the treatments did to him. He said if you was going to die anyways he didn't want to be really sick because of the treatments. My grandpa went to Puerto Rico with some family, he believed it would be his last visit. Although Las Vagas was fun, I longed to be in Puerto Rico with my grandfather.
The rest of the summer went by quickly after that, and the start of college came. I had started to try and visit every chance I had. My older cousin had moved into my grandparent's basement apartment. She was pregnant and she gave me the privilege of being the godmother.
I watched as my grandfather got weaker and weaker, slowly withering away. I remember watching t.v one day when I had come to visit. I was laying down on the bed with him, resting my head on his shoulder and cuddling against him like I was a little girl again. Tears silently slipped down my cheeks, and I quickly tried to wipe them away without him noticing. But he noticed despite my efforts. "Please don't cry. It makes me feel bad." He told me gently. My heart nearly shattered into a gazillion pieces, and I suppressed more tears.
The next time I visited they had moved him into a hospital bed located in the den/t.v room. I was watching him while my grandma went to her appointment, and my grandfather decided he wanted to cook -- he was always a great cook. I helped him get the ingredients and cut them up while he added them and stirred. We made hotdogs with onion sauce. It was delicious.
My grandma was so happy when she walked in and found us cooking. We all sat down and talked about cooking and all different things for a while, but then we got to the subject of singing. I sang them a song, and my grandpa requested me to sing Wind Beneath My Wings by Bette Midler. I told him I didn't know it so I wasn't going to sing it. Even after he pleaded with me to sing what I knew, I didn't. I wish I just sang him the damn song because it would have made him happy.
That night I went to him and sat by his bed. I sang to him, but when I got did O Danny Boy I sort of couldn't handle it.
Oh Danny boy, the pipes, the pipes are calling
From glen to glen, and down the mountain side
The summer's gone, and all the Roses falling
It's you, It's you must go and I must bide.
But come ye back when summer's in the meadow
Or when the valley's hushed and white with snow
It's I'll be here in sunshine or in shadow
Oh Danny boy, oh Danny boy, I love you so.
And if you come, when all the flowers are dying
If I am dead, as dead I well may be
You'll come and find the place where I am lying
And kneel and say an "Ave" there for me.
And I shall hear, tho' soft you tread above me
And all my grave will warm and sweeter be
For you shall bend and tell me that you love me
And I shall sleep in peace until you come to me.
I heard my grandma and uncles talking in the kitchen about me singing to him. I faintly heard my grandma crying a bit. They had been using a video baby monitor, one of my cousin's baby presents, to watch my grandpa, so they seen and heard everything. I climbed into bed and rested my head on his shoulder as he whispered a thank you to me.
On September 16, 2007 my boyfriend was driving me back to school and we stopped at my grandparent's house. They had a bunch of people over, and my grandfather's favorite Spanish band was there to play for him. I admired my dad and uncle's handy work on my way into the house. They had built a ramp for my grandfather's wheelchair the past weekend. My grandpa was so proud of them because he was such a builder and his sons were following in his footsteps. The way he beamed when he saw that ramp was unforgettable.
However that day all he did was sleep. You would have thought he was dead already if it wasn't for the rising and falling of his chest. The band couldn't even wake him up. I had laid down next to him and my mom decided to take some pics. I was crying and he was in his coma like state, I HATE those pictures.
I had to leave and he was still sleeping, so I kissed his cheek and said goodbye. I was on the sidewalk when my mother burst through the front door and told me he was awake. I didn't even hesitate, I ran to him as fast as possible. When he opened his eyes and looked at us (the women in the family) he asked softly, yet sternly, "Why are all you crazy women crying?" Causing us to sniffle and chuckle a bit. I kissed him on his cheek, said I had to go, that I loved him, and goodbye. The last words he ever told me were, "I love you too."
I got back to school and went to sleep as normal. At three forty something in the morning I was awakened by my phone going off. I answered quickly quickly so my roommates wouldn't get woken up. It was my mom calling to tell me that my grandfather was gone. I told her okay, only half aware what was going on. I didn't cry though, not yet at least. I got down from my bed and went to the lobby on my floor. I called my boyfriend to tell him and my dad to make sure he knew. As soon as I hung up the phone the tears came. I sat there crying for a couple minutes hugging my knees to my chest. I pulled my self together and called my mom to tell her to come get me from school.
That day I talked to all my teachers, informing them that I was going to be absent for the rest of the week. They told me they understood and gave me their condolences. My mom picked me up and took me to my grandma's because I wanted to stay with her. I won't go into that yet because I am going to make a post about my grandmother and I, so you'll just have to wait and learn about her. Also my little cousin's b-day was September 16, we say that he waited because he knew he couldn't to that to my cousin.
That night we (my aunt, uncle, prego cousin, grams, and I) were making the collages for the wake. Seeing the old pictures of him and I my insides tare, but I didn't let myself cry because I knew I had to be strong for my grams. It was almost expected of me not to cry in a way. My uncle however didn't take the memories as well as I did. He went and found a crowbar and started tare down the ramp outside. He kicked at the railings trying to make them budge. I just sat in the kitchen like nothing was happening while my aunt, cousin and grandma were freaking out on him. They were yelling at him that he was going to hurt himself, but he continued what he was doing. Sometimes I wish I had gone out and joined him. When the ramp was gone he came back inside and said, "Why can't you guys be like Krys? She just sat there and let me do it." I smiled a sad smile at him and simply said, "You needed to let it out, I understand."
I helped clean my grandma's house (so weird that is was just her's now) because the reception was being held there after the grave site. A family friend was kind enough to make all the food for that day, so that was set. My father and I had a falling out before the wake, but I didn't care. All the emotions inside were making me numb.
I sang twice, once at his night wake and once at the funeral (and at the grave site with everyone else). I sang I Can Only Imagine by Mercy Me (http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/mercyme/icanonlyimagine.html) at his wake and Homesick by Mercy Me (http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/mercyme/homesick.html) at his funeral. We said our last goodbyes before the precession. The children (my aunt, uncle, and dad) and my grandmother were the last to leave.
My aunt had lost it and wanted to get in the coffin with him. Truth is that I wanted to climb in, close the lid, and be buried with him myself, but I couldn't, he wouldn't want me to. I rode in the car with my cousins (all the grandchildren in one car) during the precession. When we turned on the radio the first song on was Together Again by Janet Jackson (http://www.metrolyrics.com/together-again-lyrics-janet-jackson.html). I looked at my cousin at the same time as she looked at me with slightly wide eyes. A smile spread across our faces and she said, "It's him!" We cranked the music and sang along. We started counting the cars that were following us. It was amazing, my grandfather was so loved, and he had been kind to so many. There was at least 40 cars, I couldn't believe it!
At the grave site there were some final words and then we all sang Amazing Grace. Not many people know the whole song because it's usually left out, so when everyone stopped I continued to sing. I remember hearing the slight sobs rip out from my grandmother and aunt as I finished the song...
When we've been here ten thousand years
Bright shining as the sun.
We've no less days to sing God's praise
Than when we've first begun.
Than when we've first begun.
Life continued on as normal as possible after that. I lost weight because I hardly ate. I was 117lbs, which isn't crazy unhealthy, but it made the people at the school health center shove a bunch of anorexia and healthy eating guides in my face. I was so mad at my grandfather when he died. I thought why couldn't you have tried harder? Fought harder? I need you! But I was wrong to be angry. I know that he fought, he tried, and that he loved us all, but it was his time and he had told us so. He had told my grandma that he had to go to work that night he had died. She told me that she believes he knew and that he was going to heaven to work for God. Some of you may think that is silly, but silly or not I rather believe that than believe there is nothing left of him.
I would break down at times when I was alone, never letting anyone see. I still cry at random times when thinking of him. Like when driving and a thought of him comes to me so do the tears to my eyes.
Anyways here is the end. Forgetting someone or something is just as hard as remembering them. My advice is don't forget; although remembering is sad or painful, those memories are what make you...you! My grandfather's death has changed my life. I treasure each moment I spend with my loved ones even more than I had before. I visit more often and am thankful everyday for those memories I have with my family, memories of my Superman!
I'll leave you with one more song that reminds me of him:
"When I Look To the Sky" by Train
When it rains it pours and opens doors
And floods the floors we thought would always keep us safe and dry
And in the midst of sailing ships we sink our lips into the ones we love
That have to say goodbye
And as I float along this ocean
I can feel you like a notion that won't seem to let me go
Cause when I look to the sky something tells me you're here with me
And you make everything alright
And when I feel like I'm lost something tells me you're here with me
And I can always find my way when you are here
And every word I didn't say that caught up in some busy day
And every dance on the kitchen floor we didn't have before
And every sunset that we'll miss I'll wrap them all up in a kiss
And pick you up in all of this when I sail away
And as I float along this ocean
I can feel you like a notion that I hope will never leave
Whether I am up or down or in or out or just plane overhead
Instead it just feels like it is impossible to fly
But with you I can spread my wings
to see me over everything that life may send me
When I am hoping it won't pass me by
And when I feel like there is no one that will ever know me
there you are to show me
Cause when I look to the sky something tells me you're here with me
And you make everything alright
And when I feel like I'm lost something tells me you're here with me
And I can always find my way when you are here [X2]
The family! My dad is the one resting his head on his father's lap!
The Grandchildren! We love him so!
We were broken!
A reminder of our Superman! Everybody has one, make sure they know they're yours before it's too late!
I regret so many things. I regret not realizing how sick he was. I regret not telling him I Love You more. I regret not singing that song to him. And I regret being mad at him for dying. I knew my grandpa had cancer, but never thought much of it. I thought he was invincible, he was my family's Superman, My Superman. The day I realized I was wrong was the day of my high school graduation.
It was a beautiful day outside and some of my family had showed up early to watch me walk, including my grandpa. Everything was going smoothly, until I realized my grandfather wasn't outside with the rest of us. He loved being outside, and couldn't pass up a chance to play dominoes, which some of my family were playing, because of the Puerto Rican in him. I decided to go look for him. I found him inside sleeping. I knew the chemo must have been making him tired. He slept most of the day.
July came and it was time for Nationals in Las Vagas. By then I had discovered that the treatments weren't working, and my grandpa decided not to try anymore. He hated what the treatments did to him. He said if you was going to die anyways he didn't want to be really sick because of the treatments. My grandpa went to Puerto Rico with some family, he believed it would be his last visit. Although Las Vagas was fun, I longed to be in Puerto Rico with my grandfather.
The rest of the summer went by quickly after that, and the start of college came. I had started to try and visit every chance I had. My older cousin had moved into my grandparent's basement apartment. She was pregnant and she gave me the privilege of being the godmother.
I watched as my grandfather got weaker and weaker, slowly withering away. I remember watching t.v one day when I had come to visit. I was laying down on the bed with him, resting my head on his shoulder and cuddling against him like I was a little girl again. Tears silently slipped down my cheeks, and I quickly tried to wipe them away without him noticing. But he noticed despite my efforts. "Please don't cry. It makes me feel bad." He told me gently. My heart nearly shattered into a gazillion pieces, and I suppressed more tears.
The next time I visited they had moved him into a hospital bed located in the den/t.v room. I was watching him while my grandma went to her appointment, and my grandfather decided he wanted to cook -- he was always a great cook. I helped him get the ingredients and cut them up while he added them and stirred. We made hotdogs with onion sauce. It was delicious.
My grandma was so happy when she walked in and found us cooking. We all sat down and talked about cooking and all different things for a while, but then we got to the subject of singing. I sang them a song, and my grandpa requested me to sing Wind Beneath My Wings by Bette Midler. I told him I didn't know it so I wasn't going to sing it. Even after he pleaded with me to sing what I knew, I didn't. I wish I just sang him the damn song because it would have made him happy.
That night I went to him and sat by his bed. I sang to him, but when I got did O Danny Boy I sort of couldn't handle it.
Oh Danny boy, the pipes, the pipes are calling
From glen to glen, and down the mountain side
The summer's gone, and all the Roses falling
It's you, It's you must go and I must bide.
But come ye back when summer's in the meadow
Or when the valley's hushed and white with snow
It's I'll be here in sunshine or in shadow
Oh Danny boy, oh Danny boy, I love you so.
And if you come, when all the flowers are dying
If I am dead, as dead I well may be
You'll come and find the place where I am lying
And kneel and say an "Ave" there for me.
And I shall hear, tho' soft you tread above me
And all my grave will warm and sweeter be
For you shall bend and tell me that you love me
And I shall sleep in peace until you come to me.
I heard my grandma and uncles talking in the kitchen about me singing to him. I faintly heard my grandma crying a bit. They had been using a video baby monitor, one of my cousin's baby presents, to watch my grandpa, so they seen and heard everything. I climbed into bed and rested my head on his shoulder as he whispered a thank you to me.
On September 16, 2007 my boyfriend was driving me back to school and we stopped at my grandparent's house. They had a bunch of people over, and my grandfather's favorite Spanish band was there to play for him. I admired my dad and uncle's handy work on my way into the house. They had built a ramp for my grandfather's wheelchair the past weekend. My grandpa was so proud of them because he was such a builder and his sons were following in his footsteps. The way he beamed when he saw that ramp was unforgettable.
However that day all he did was sleep. You would have thought he was dead already if it wasn't for the rising and falling of his chest. The band couldn't even wake him up. I had laid down next to him and my mom decided to take some pics. I was crying and he was in his coma like state, I HATE those pictures.
I had to leave and he was still sleeping, so I kissed his cheek and said goodbye. I was on the sidewalk when my mother burst through the front door and told me he was awake. I didn't even hesitate, I ran to him as fast as possible. When he opened his eyes and looked at us (the women in the family) he asked softly, yet sternly, "Why are all you crazy women crying?" Causing us to sniffle and chuckle a bit. I kissed him on his cheek, said I had to go, that I loved him, and goodbye. The last words he ever told me were, "I love you too."
I got back to school and went to sleep as normal. At three forty something in the morning I was awakened by my phone going off. I answered quickly quickly so my roommates wouldn't get woken up. It was my mom calling to tell me that my grandfather was gone. I told her okay, only half aware what was going on. I didn't cry though, not yet at least. I got down from my bed and went to the lobby on my floor. I called my boyfriend to tell him and my dad to make sure he knew. As soon as I hung up the phone the tears came. I sat there crying for a couple minutes hugging my knees to my chest. I pulled my self together and called my mom to tell her to come get me from school.
That day I talked to all my teachers, informing them that I was going to be absent for the rest of the week. They told me they understood and gave me their condolences. My mom picked me up and took me to my grandma's because I wanted to stay with her. I won't go into that yet because I am going to make a post about my grandmother and I, so you'll just have to wait and learn about her. Also my little cousin's b-day was September 16, we say that he waited because he knew he couldn't to that to my cousin.
That night we (my aunt, uncle, prego cousin, grams, and I) were making the collages for the wake. Seeing the old pictures of him and I my insides tare, but I didn't let myself cry because I knew I had to be strong for my grams. It was almost expected of me not to cry in a way. My uncle however didn't take the memories as well as I did. He went and found a crowbar and started tare down the ramp outside. He kicked at the railings trying to make them budge. I just sat in the kitchen like nothing was happening while my aunt, cousin and grandma were freaking out on him. They were yelling at him that he was going to hurt himself, but he continued what he was doing. Sometimes I wish I had gone out and joined him. When the ramp was gone he came back inside and said, "Why can't you guys be like Krys? She just sat there and let me do it." I smiled a sad smile at him and simply said, "You needed to let it out, I understand."
I helped clean my grandma's house (so weird that is was just her's now) because the reception was being held there after the grave site. A family friend was kind enough to make all the food for that day, so that was set. My father and I had a falling out before the wake, but I didn't care. All the emotions inside were making me numb.
I sang twice, once at his night wake and once at the funeral (and at the grave site with everyone else). I sang I Can Only Imagine by Mercy Me (http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/mercyme/icanonlyimagine.html) at his wake and Homesick by Mercy Me (http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/mercyme/homesick.html) at his funeral. We said our last goodbyes before the precession. The children (my aunt, uncle, and dad) and my grandmother were the last to leave.
My aunt had lost it and wanted to get in the coffin with him. Truth is that I wanted to climb in, close the lid, and be buried with him myself, but I couldn't, he wouldn't want me to. I rode in the car with my cousins (all the grandchildren in one car) during the precession. When we turned on the radio the first song on was Together Again by Janet Jackson (http://www.metrolyrics.com/together-again-lyrics-janet-jackson.html). I looked at my cousin at the same time as she looked at me with slightly wide eyes. A smile spread across our faces and she said, "It's him!" We cranked the music and sang along. We started counting the cars that were following us. It was amazing, my grandfather was so loved, and he had been kind to so many. There was at least 40 cars, I couldn't believe it!
At the grave site there were some final words and then we all sang Amazing Grace. Not many people know the whole song because it's usually left out, so when everyone stopped I continued to sing. I remember hearing the slight sobs rip out from my grandmother and aunt as I finished the song...
When we've been here ten thousand years
Bright shining as the sun.
We've no less days to sing God's praise
Than when we've first begun.
Than when we've first begun.
Life continued on as normal as possible after that. I lost weight because I hardly ate. I was 117lbs, which isn't crazy unhealthy, but it made the people at the school health center shove a bunch of anorexia and healthy eating guides in my face. I was so mad at my grandfather when he died. I thought why couldn't you have tried harder? Fought harder? I need you! But I was wrong to be angry. I know that he fought, he tried, and that he loved us all, but it was his time and he had told us so. He had told my grandma that he had to go to work that night he had died. She told me that she believes he knew and that he was going to heaven to work for God. Some of you may think that is silly, but silly or not I rather believe that than believe there is nothing left of him.
I would break down at times when I was alone, never letting anyone see. I still cry at random times when thinking of him. Like when driving and a thought of him comes to me so do the tears to my eyes.
Anyways here is the end. Forgetting someone or something is just as hard as remembering them. My advice is don't forget; although remembering is sad or painful, those memories are what make you...you! My grandfather's death has changed my life. I treasure each moment I spend with my loved ones even more than I had before. I visit more often and am thankful everyday for those memories I have with my family, memories of my Superman!
I'll leave you with one more song that reminds me of him:
"When I Look To the Sky" by Train
When it rains it pours and opens doors
And floods the floors we thought would always keep us safe and dry
And in the midst of sailing ships we sink our lips into the ones we love
That have to say goodbye
And as I float along this ocean
I can feel you like a notion that won't seem to let me go
Cause when I look to the sky something tells me you're here with me
And you make everything alright
And when I feel like I'm lost something tells me you're here with me
And I can always find my way when you are here
And every word I didn't say that caught up in some busy day
And every dance on the kitchen floor we didn't have before
And every sunset that we'll miss I'll wrap them all up in a kiss
And pick you up in all of this when I sail away
And as I float along this ocean
I can feel you like a notion that I hope will never leave
Whether I am up or down or in or out or just plane overhead
Instead it just feels like it is impossible to fly
But with you I can spread my wings
to see me over everything that life may send me
When I am hoping it won't pass me by
And when I feel like there is no one that will ever know me
there you are to show me
Cause when I look to the sky something tells me you're here with me
And you make everything alright
And when I feel like I'm lost something tells me you're here with me
And I can always find my way when you are here [X2]
The family! My dad is the one resting his head on his father's lap!
The Grandchildren! We love him so!
We were broken!
A reminder of our Superman! Everybody has one, make sure they know they're yours before it's too late!
Thursday, October 22, 2009
Thank You Grandpa
When I was a little girl,
I used to laugh and play
I fell and got a boo boo
And you would make it all okay
Then I became a teenager
Afraid and unaware
You told me I was beautiful
You showed me that you cared
When I graduated High School
You were there to watch me walk
You told me you were proud of me
We really got to talk
Then I soon found out
That your cancer spread
The chemo didn’t work
Soon you would be dead
Soon I had to say good bye
And I will never forget
The time you said I love you too
Before you took your last breath
I will always love you
I know you are okay
And grandpa I am proud of you
You made me who I am today
I used to laugh and play
I fell and got a boo boo
And you would make it all okay
Then I became a teenager
Afraid and unaware
You told me I was beautiful
You showed me that you cared
When I graduated High School
You were there to watch me walk
You told me you were proud of me
We really got to talk
Then I soon found out
That your cancer spread
The chemo didn’t work
Soon you would be dead
Soon I had to say good bye
And I will never forget
The time you said I love you too
Before you took your last breath
I will always love you
I know you are okay
And grandpa I am proud of you
You made me who I am today
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
Something I quickly wrote after I posted my last blog.
Daddy why have you hurt me?
You broke my fragile heart.
Because you left me daddy,
and that is just the start.
You never kiss me on the cheek when I’m about to leave,
or tell me I’m your little girl and hug me ‘til I can’t breathe.
I long to have you hug me,
like we used to do.
To have you kiss me on the cheek,
and say I love you too.
I’m afraid daddy,
because I already know,
that even though you break my heart that you will never know.
That I pray for you daddy before I go to sleep,
praying that you’ll realize before the cuts to deep.
I wish upon a star,
that you will finally see.
How much I love you daddy,
just like I long for you to love me!
Can You Say... Daddy Issues!?
Today I feel like venting about my father, so here it goes...
I was always daddy's little girl. I would run to him when my mom was mad and usually my dad would let me get away with everything. He is an electrician and most of the time his job required him to work sorta far away from home, so he often got home late at night. Weekends is when I got to spend time with him; if he wasn't working on a side job or out fishing.
Some of my favorite memories are of him and me going fishing. He would wake me up early in the morning (4am) and we would get ready to go out on his small rinky dink little boat. I live on Long Island so we went to the sound which is about 15-20 minutes away from my house. We would talk very little because according to my dad talking would scare the fishies away. Unfortunately for every hug, kiss, and happy moment there are bad ones as well.
I'll start off with how he would use me as his little slave. Sometimes I'd be in my room and I'd hear, "KRYS!" So I would get up and go find him to see what he wanted. Well... it would be something like 'get me a drink,' 'get me some asprin,' or 'heat this up for me.' Never a please and rarely a thank you. When I got older I started being a smart ass. When he would tell me to get him something I'd respond with 'what? Do you have something wrong with your legs?' He would say 'What did you just say' and proceed to yell at me. Now I was never beat as a kid so don't get me wrong, but my father is a scary man and all I knew is I never wanted to find out how it was to get punished.
My dad also would think that hurting you is funny, he still does. I remember once, when we were in our basement, he took a long thin piece of wood that was down there and whacked me in the back of the legs with it. He started laughing, but I started crying because it stung. I ran quickly upstairs to my room. My mother asked me what had happened and I told her. My mom yelled at my dad, but he said it was a joke, yeah a joke...okay. He would do things like that frequently, and when I would cry out in pain that meant pinch harder.
Let me give you another good moment before a couple more bad ones. One thing I LOVED to do when I was little was t snuggle up with my dad on his beanbag in the living room watching t.v or a movie. I would wake up early sometimes and lay with him in the living room. Oh, one of my absolute favorite things my dad used to do was give me bear hugs. Even though he squeezed me too tight at times it made me feel loved.
Those hugs were the only thing that made me feel like I was good enough for him! Like I was one of the things he valued the most. Because frequently he made me feel like I wasn't good enough. If I would get a 90 on a test he would say why not a 100. The recital before my operation I worked my butt off to improve my technique, so I would be able to show my teaches I was good enough to compete. Everyone that was there watching me (my aunt and uncle, my grandparents, and my cousin) commented on how good I did. We were standing in the kitchen at the time and my dad simply said you were okay, while his arm was around me in a half hug. My family couldn't believe he just told me that. My uncle was semi furious and told me that I was better than okay and that I really improved. I don't think anyone noticed the tears that welled up in my eyes at my father's remark.
The song Perfect by Simple Plan explains exactly how I feel.
I know a girl
She puts the color inside of my world
But she's just like a maze
Where all of the walls all continually change
And I've done all I can
To stand on her steps with my heart in my hands
Now I'm starting to see
Maybe it's got nothing to do with me
Fathers, be good to your daughters
Daughters will love like you do
Girls become lovers who turn into mothers
So mothers, be good to your daughters too
Oh, you see that skin?
It's the same she's been standing in
Since the day she saw him walking away
Now she's left
Cleaning up the mess he made
So fathers, be good to your daughters
Daughters will love like you do
Girls become lovers who turn into mothers
So mothers, be good to your daughters too
Boys, you can break
You'll find out how much they can take
Boys will be strong
And boys soldier on
But boys would be gone without the warmth from
A womans good, good heart
On behalf of every man
Looking out for every girl
You are the god and the weight of her world
So fathers, be good to your daughters
Daughters will love like you do
Girls become lovers who turn into mothers
So mothers, be good to your daughters too [x3]
I was always daddy's little girl. I would run to him when my mom was mad and usually my dad would let me get away with everything. He is an electrician and most of the time his job required him to work sorta far away from home, so he often got home late at night. Weekends is when I got to spend time with him; if he wasn't working on a side job or out fishing.
Some of my favorite memories are of him and me going fishing. He would wake me up early in the morning (4am) and we would get ready to go out on his small rinky dink little boat. I live on Long Island so we went to the sound which is about 15-20 minutes away from my house. We would talk very little because according to my dad talking would scare the fishies away. Unfortunately for every hug, kiss, and happy moment there are bad ones as well.
I'll start off with how he would use me as his little slave. Sometimes I'd be in my room and I'd hear, "KRYS!" So I would get up and go find him to see what he wanted. Well... it would be something like 'get me a drink,' 'get me some asprin,' or 'heat this up for me.' Never a please and rarely a thank you. When I got older I started being a smart ass. When he would tell me to get him something I'd respond with 'what? Do you have something wrong with your legs?' He would say 'What did you just say' and proceed to yell at me. Now I was never beat as a kid so don't get me wrong, but my father is a scary man and all I knew is I never wanted to find out how it was to get punished.
My dad also would think that hurting you is funny, he still does. I remember once, when we were in our basement, he took a long thin piece of wood that was down there and whacked me in the back of the legs with it. He started laughing, but I started crying because it stung. I ran quickly upstairs to my room. My mother asked me what had happened and I told her. My mom yelled at my dad, but he said it was a joke, yeah a joke...okay. He would do things like that frequently, and when I would cry out in pain that meant pinch harder.
Let me give you another good moment before a couple more bad ones. One thing I LOVED to do when I was little was t snuggle up with my dad on his beanbag in the living room watching t.v or a movie. I would wake up early sometimes and lay with him in the living room. Oh, one of my absolute favorite things my dad used to do was give me bear hugs. Even though he squeezed me too tight at times it made me feel loved.
Those hugs were the only thing that made me feel like I was good enough for him! Like I was one of the things he valued the most. Because frequently he made me feel like I wasn't good enough. If I would get a 90 on a test he would say why not a 100. The recital before my operation I worked my butt off to improve my technique, so I would be able to show my teaches I was good enough to compete. Everyone that was there watching me (my aunt and uncle, my grandparents, and my cousin) commented on how good I did. We were standing in the kitchen at the time and my dad simply said you were okay, while his arm was around me in a half hug. My family couldn't believe he just told me that. My uncle was semi furious and told me that I was better than okay and that I really improved. I don't think anyone noticed the tears that welled up in my eyes at my father's remark.
The song Perfect by Simple Plan explains exactly how I feel.
"Perfect" by Simple plan
Hey dad look at me
Think back and talk to me
Did I grow up according to plan?
And do you think I'm wasting my time doing things I wanna do?
But it hurts when you disapprove all along
And now I try hard to make it
I can't pretend that
I'm alright because I'm not
And you can't change me
'Cuz we lost it all
Nothing lasts forever
I'm sorry
I can't be perfect
Now it's just too late and
We can't go back
I'm sorry
I can't be perfect
I try not to think
About the pain I feel inside
Did you know you used to be my hero? I always looked up to him, now I realize it was my mom all along.
All the days you spent with me
Now seem so far away
And it feels like you don't care anymore I don't even remember the last time I just hang out me and him.
And now I try hard to make it
I just want to make you proud
I'm never gonna be good enough for you
I can't stand another fight
And nothing's alright
'Cuz we lost it all
Nothing lasts forever
I'm sorry
I can't be perfect
Now it's just too late and
We can't go back
I'm sorry
I can't be perfect
Nothing's gonna change the things that you said We fought before my grandfather's wake.
Nothing's gonna make this right again
Please don't turn your back
I can't believe it's hard
Just to talk to you
But you don't understand He doesn't and it kills me.
'Cuz we lost it all
Nothing lasts forever
I'm sorry
I can't be perfect
Now it's just too late and
We can't go back
I'm sorry
I can't be perfect
'Cuz we lost it all
Nothing lasts forever
I'm sorry
I can't be perfect
Now it's just too late and
We can't go back
I'm sorry
I can't be perfect
My father has showed up to maybe 3 competitions I've been in, and I've been 3 every year since 9th grade - 12th grade (14 total. 2 being Nationals). The only reason he went to my last Nationals was because it was in Vagas. I barely even saw him around.
I remember the fight we had at my grandma's after my grandfather died. My parents are divorced and I hate my Dad's new girlfriend. She is a horrible person and has done many things that have hurt my family. I put up with her because of my dad. I remember we were yelling at each other and I started crying. I was so mad at him because he wasn't there. He barely even went into my grandfather's room when he was visiting, and I knew my grandpa so badly wanted to see him. I asked why he did that, and told him grandpa wanted him there. His voice cracked a little as he told me that he didn't want to see his father like that. It just got me even madder, but I spoke back softly with a little edge in my voice. I asked, "Do you think we wanted to see him like that? That we enjoyed watching him? NO, but he needed us, wanted us, wanted and needed you, and you weren't there!" My uncle had arrived and became a mediator. The fight was never really resolved just pushed away and locked up. It's still there the fury that I felt towards him, like a caged animal ready to be released, and one day I might just snap and it will be. Look at me I sound crazy, sorry!
Although he has hurt me, and done some really foul thing I still love him. He is my father after all. So it's words of wisdom time! If you have a kid tell them how much you love them, tell them you are proud of them, and spend time with them. If you are on the phone be the first to say I love you, not like my dad who wouldn't say it at all unless I say it first and sometimes doesn't even if I do. If you don't have children and are having some parent issues... tell them, don't let it tare you up inside. There maybe some fighting and there maybe tears, but it will be worth it. I will never forget the one thing my father said to me that made me realize how much he loved me, whether he showed it or not. We were in his truck, we just left the wake of my 15yr old friend, and we were talking about it. With sincere tone he said, "I would go crazy if anything happened to you." I nearly broke down because whether or not we get along, or he does stupid things I know that if anything happened to him my heart would break and a part of me would be lost with him forever. Why? Because he is my Daddy...and I love him!
Hey dad look at me
Think back and talk to me
Did I grow up according to plan?
And do you think I'm wasting my time doing things I wanna do?
But it hurts when you disapprove all along
And now I try hard to make it
I just want to make you proud I really do
I'm never gonna be good enough for youI can't pretend that
I'm alright because I'm not
And you can't change me
'Cuz we lost it all
Nothing lasts forever
I'm sorry
I can't be perfect
Now it's just too late and
We can't go back
I'm sorry
I can't be perfect
I try not to think
About the pain I feel inside
Did you know you used to be my hero? I always looked up to him, now I realize it was my mom all along.
All the days you spent with me
Now seem so far away
And it feels like you don't care anymore I don't even remember the last time I just hang out me and him.
And now I try hard to make it
I just want to make you proud
I'm never gonna be good enough for you
I can't stand another fight
And nothing's alright
'Cuz we lost it all
Nothing lasts forever
I'm sorry
I can't be perfect
Now it's just too late and
We can't go back
I'm sorry
I can't be perfect
Nothing's gonna change the things that you said We fought before my grandfather's wake.
Nothing's gonna make this right again
Please don't turn your back
I can't believe it's hard
Just to talk to you
But you don't understand He doesn't and it kills me.
'Cuz we lost it all
Nothing lasts forever
I'm sorry
I can't be perfect
Now it's just too late and
We can't go back
I'm sorry
I can't be perfect
'Cuz we lost it all
Nothing lasts forever
I'm sorry
I can't be perfect
Now it's just too late and
We can't go back
I'm sorry
I can't be perfect
My father has showed up to maybe 3 competitions I've been in, and I've been 3 every year since 9th grade - 12th grade (14 total. 2 being Nationals). The only reason he went to my last Nationals was because it was in Vagas. I barely even saw him around.
I remember the fight we had at my grandma's after my grandfather died. My parents are divorced and I hate my Dad's new girlfriend. She is a horrible person and has done many things that have hurt my family. I put up with her because of my dad. I remember we were yelling at each other and I started crying. I was so mad at him because he wasn't there. He barely even went into my grandfather's room when he was visiting, and I knew my grandpa so badly wanted to see him. I asked why he did that, and told him grandpa wanted him there. His voice cracked a little as he told me that he didn't want to see his father like that. It just got me even madder, but I spoke back softly with a little edge in my voice. I asked, "Do you think we wanted to see him like that? That we enjoyed watching him? NO, but he needed us, wanted us, wanted and needed you, and you weren't there!" My uncle had arrived and became a mediator. The fight was never really resolved just pushed away and locked up. It's still there the fury that I felt towards him, like a caged animal ready to be released, and one day I might just snap and it will be. Look at me I sound crazy, sorry!
Although he has hurt me, and done some really foul thing I still love him. He is my father after all. So it's words of wisdom time! If you have a kid tell them how much you love them, tell them you are proud of them, and spend time with them. If you are on the phone be the first to say I love you, not like my dad who wouldn't say it at all unless I say it first and sometimes doesn't even if I do. If you don't have children and are having some parent issues... tell them, don't let it tare you up inside. There maybe some fighting and there maybe tears, but it will be worth it. I will never forget the one thing my father said to me that made me realize how much he loved me, whether he showed it or not. We were in his truck, we just left the wake of my 15yr old friend, and we were talking about it. With sincere tone he said, "I would go crazy if anything happened to you." I nearly broke down because whether or not we get along, or he does stupid things I know that if anything happened to him my heart would break and a part of me would be lost with him forever. Why? Because he is my Daddy...and I love him!
This song, well it's true!
"Daughters" by John MayerI know a girl
She puts the color inside of my world
But she's just like a maze
Where all of the walls all continually change
And I've done all I can
To stand on her steps with my heart in my hands
Now I'm starting to see
Maybe it's got nothing to do with me
Fathers, be good to your daughters
Daughters will love like you do
Girls become lovers who turn into mothers
So mothers, be good to your daughters too
Oh, you see that skin?
It's the same she's been standing in
Since the day she saw him walking away
Now she's left
Cleaning up the mess he made
So fathers, be good to your daughters
Daughters will love like you do
Girls become lovers who turn into mothers
So mothers, be good to your daughters too
Boys, you can break
You'll find out how much they can take
Boys will be strong
And boys soldier on
But boys would be gone without the warmth from
A womans good, good heart
On behalf of every man
Looking out for every girl
You are the god and the weight of her world
So fathers, be good to your daughters
Daughters will love like you do
Girls become lovers who turn into mothers
So mothers, be good to your daughters too [x3]
Monday, October 12, 2009
Scoliosis... What!?
For all of you who don't know what scoliosis is, it is the curvature of the spine.
When I was in the 6th grade my catholic school had decided to administer physicals. One day soon after my physical was taken a letter arrived in the mail. It stated that I had a mild case of scoliosis. Well my mom did not think much of it so we did not do anything about it. That is we did not do anything until my family doctor suggested I see a specialist in the beginning of my 8th grade year (specialist here by called Dr. H because one I can't spell her name, and two it's even harder to say than spell hahaha).
The first time I went to meet Dr. H, she had an emergency patient so I didn't get to see her. I went back to school and was bombarded with questions about how my appointment went. I guess I'm a good actor because I put on a grim, serious face and they totally fell for it! I told them the truth about not even seeing my doctor and we all started laughing. Ever heard of the boy who called wolf? Didn't turn out so well for him.
Life continued on and I waited for my next appointment to arrive. I was in my modern dance class one evening and the teacher yelled at me while we were in plank position -- plank position is basically the same as push up position, it works out the abs. She yelled at me that my back was crooked. I don't know if I've ever even blushed as hard before, I was so embarrassed. I remember the teacher gaping at me as I told her I had scoliosis and therefore couldn't fix anything. When she said her next words I have to admit I was a little freaked out. She said with wide eyes, "That bad!?" I didn't know how bad it was, and she made me stand up and examined me. I became the new freak in class because my teacher tended to point me out and say, "Krys can do it with her back then so can all of you!" It is so not fun to be pointed out.
I had my second appointment with Dr. H and when we arrived at the hospital where she worked there was a fire truck outside the building. I told my mom that this must be a sign or something and we laughed. That appointment was quick and to the point. I met Dr. H and then she examined me. Once that was done she sent me for some x-rays. Afterwards my mom took me back for the rest of school day. And once again I did my little act (wolf). Are you counting the wolves?
Finally we went back for the results. Dr. H showed us the x-rays and explained that my curve was 45degrees and was causing my spine to slightly resemble an s, yup I had a large curve that created a smaller one at the bottom. She then told me that surgery was mandatory. I was doing okay until my mom said, "You know this means no dance, right?" That is when I lost it. The tears spilled over my eyelids and sobs racked my body. My mom put her arm around me trying to comfort me, but it didn't work. The male doctor in the room panicked at the sight of me and ran out of the room in search for a box of tissues when there was a box right on the counter.
Dr. H told me that I wouldn't be able to dance for six months after the surgery, but I would be able to go back if all went well. That gave me hope. I stopped sobbing, but tears continued to silently fall down my cheeks. My mom and I made our way back to her car and I climbed into the back seat. I stretched across the seat my back facing my mother as I continued to cry. My mom had an idea. She grabbed her cell phone and handed it to me with a 'Call Car.' Car was my babysitter. She started watching me when I was 8 weeks old till age 12. She was more than my babysitter, she was and still is like my second mother. As soon as we started talking I immediately calmed down. I somehow knew I could face this.
We stopped off for some McDonalds and went back to school. I took my food outside with me because everyone was already out at recess. I told my friends about the surgery, and at first they were skeptical. See what happens when you cry wolf! But I explained everything and was soon encircled with hugs from all my girl friends.
My surgery was scheduled for July 09, 2003. I worked my butt off the rest of the year in dance to better myself. Hoping that maybe the teachers would put me in competition groups even though I couldn't audition.
My surgery went well. They put Harrington rods in my back. They fuse the rods to my spine. I actually turned out to be one of the best patients. Well I wasn't on the first day when they made me walk and I was in so much pain I kinda yelled at the nurses for making me walk and told them they were going to hell. I didn't mean it, but I was in so much pain. I remember the first night after my surgery.
My mom was resting in the recliner next to my bed. I woke up and my hand was really bothering me. When I looked at it I noticed that it was swelling where the IV was. I woke my mom up and we called in the nurses. Let me remind you that I just had two metal rods fused with my SPINE! They couldn't find my vein to put the IV in, therefore I wasn't receiving my pain meds either. I started to cry from the pain as they poked and prodded at me. My mom was holding my left hand rubbing soothing circles in it. She was crying as well because she hated seeing me in pain like that. Finally an older nurse came in and within a minute found my vein.
I recovered quickly and six months later I got the okay from Dr. H that I could start dancing again! I competed from 9th grade to the 12th grade.
Anyway I'm going to put my little zen life lesson thing in like I have in every post so far. Don't let anything keep you from doing something you love. Whether it be falling in a pothole and spraining your ankle ;o), or having back surgery it's up to you to make your dreams come true. Now not everything has a happy ending, this is not a fairytale after all. But right now we are at the beginning so make it as happy as possible! It's up to you to make your life as best as possible, you and only you!
When I was in the 6th grade my catholic school had decided to administer physicals. One day soon after my physical was taken a letter arrived in the mail. It stated that I had a mild case of scoliosis. Well my mom did not think much of it so we did not do anything about it. That is we did not do anything until my family doctor suggested I see a specialist in the beginning of my 8th grade year (specialist here by called Dr. H because one I can't spell her name, and two it's even harder to say than spell hahaha).
The first time I went to meet Dr. H, she had an emergency patient so I didn't get to see her. I went back to school and was bombarded with questions about how my appointment went. I guess I'm a good actor because I put on a grim, serious face and they totally fell for it! I told them the truth about not even seeing my doctor and we all started laughing. Ever heard of the boy who called wolf? Didn't turn out so well for him.
Life continued on and I waited for my next appointment to arrive. I was in my modern dance class one evening and the teacher yelled at me while we were in plank position -- plank position is basically the same as push up position, it works out the abs. She yelled at me that my back was crooked. I don't know if I've ever even blushed as hard before, I was so embarrassed. I remember the teacher gaping at me as I told her I had scoliosis and therefore couldn't fix anything. When she said her next words I have to admit I was a little freaked out. She said with wide eyes, "That bad!?" I didn't know how bad it was, and she made me stand up and examined me. I became the new freak in class because my teacher tended to point me out and say, "Krys can do it with her back then so can all of you!" It is so not fun to be pointed out.
I had my second appointment with Dr. H and when we arrived at the hospital where she worked there was a fire truck outside the building. I told my mom that this must be a sign or something and we laughed. That appointment was quick and to the point. I met Dr. H and then she examined me. Once that was done she sent me for some x-rays. Afterwards my mom took me back for the rest of school day. And once again I did my little act (wolf). Are you counting the wolves?
Finally we went back for the results. Dr. H showed us the x-rays and explained that my curve was 45degrees and was causing my spine to slightly resemble an s, yup I had a large curve that created a smaller one at the bottom. She then told me that surgery was mandatory. I was doing okay until my mom said, "You know this means no dance, right?" That is when I lost it. The tears spilled over my eyelids and sobs racked my body. My mom put her arm around me trying to comfort me, but it didn't work. The male doctor in the room panicked at the sight of me and ran out of the room in search for a box of tissues when there was a box right on the counter.
Dr. H told me that I wouldn't be able to dance for six months after the surgery, but I would be able to go back if all went well. That gave me hope. I stopped sobbing, but tears continued to silently fall down my cheeks. My mom and I made our way back to her car and I climbed into the back seat. I stretched across the seat my back facing my mother as I continued to cry. My mom had an idea. She grabbed her cell phone and handed it to me with a 'Call Car.' Car was my babysitter. She started watching me when I was 8 weeks old till age 12. She was more than my babysitter, she was and still is like my second mother. As soon as we started talking I immediately calmed down. I somehow knew I could face this.
We stopped off for some McDonalds and went back to school. I took my food outside with me because everyone was already out at recess. I told my friends about the surgery, and at first they were skeptical. See what happens when you cry wolf! But I explained everything and was soon encircled with hugs from all my girl friends.
My surgery was scheduled for July 09, 2003. I worked my butt off the rest of the year in dance to better myself. Hoping that maybe the teachers would put me in competition groups even though I couldn't audition.
My surgery went well. They put Harrington rods in my back. They fuse the rods to my spine. I actually turned out to be one of the best patients. Well I wasn't on the first day when they made me walk and I was in so much pain I kinda yelled at the nurses for making me walk and told them they were going to hell. I didn't mean it, but I was in so much pain. I remember the first night after my surgery.
My mom was resting in the recliner next to my bed. I woke up and my hand was really bothering me. When I looked at it I noticed that it was swelling where the IV was. I woke my mom up and we called in the nurses. Let me remind you that I just had two metal rods fused with my SPINE! They couldn't find my vein to put the IV in, therefore I wasn't receiving my pain meds either. I started to cry from the pain as they poked and prodded at me. My mom was holding my left hand rubbing soothing circles in it. She was crying as well because she hated seeing me in pain like that. Finally an older nurse came in and within a minute found my vein.
I recovered quickly and six months later I got the okay from Dr. H that I could start dancing again! I competed from 9th grade to the 12th grade.
Anyway I'm going to put my little zen life lesson thing in like I have in every post so far. Don't let anything keep you from doing something you love. Whether it be falling in a pothole and spraining your ankle ;o), or having back surgery it's up to you to make your dreams come true. Now not everything has a happy ending, this is not a fairytale after all. But right now we are at the beginning so make it as happy as possible! It's up to you to make your life as best as possible, you and only you!
Saturday, October 10, 2009
My New Happiness
Since my last blog was kinda depressing I figured I would make this one happy, so here it goes.
I broke up with my boyfriend, of three and a half years, about two months ago. I was sad of course, I mean I loved him after all, but he hurt me so much. The sad part was I kept going back to him for more. When I broke up with him I was scared because he said thing to me that made me think I would never be good enough. He told me that, "No guy will ever put up with you." And other things like that. So I was scared to leave him and I am scared now that I will never find someone. But for every door that is closed a new one opens. I guess that is true, and let me tell you I am so glad I closed that door. I got rid of a boyfriend and gained some new friends.
Whoever said that having a friend online is not having a real friend is a complete and utter moron. *cough cough* Nutzo *Cough Cough* For all those who don't know who Nutzo is... you don't need to! Why does that make a person a moron? Well... I have made two of the bestest friends I could have online and they know me as much as all my friends I have in person.
Okay so let me start with my first friend that I made online. We started talking because of this girl that is a total bitch decided to post a generated picture up and tag me as poor when she doesn't know me. So I decided to ask her Best Friend if she knew why the girl didn't like me. Turns out the girl is just a bitch and even her best friend decided to drop her. After that we just started talking more.
Let me just say that the girl was stupid for giving up such a friend. I gained a best friend because of her bitchiness. My new Best Friend, from here on called E, is such a wonderful person. She is kind, sweet, intelligent, funny, loyal, and so many amazing things. She makes my day brighter every time I get to talk to her.
My next online friend, from here on called H, is like my life line. Seriously, she has done so much for me. I met her on E's book's forum -- yup, E co-wrote a book and she is writing a series of her very own also. Anyways, that is were I met H and guess what... H co-wrote a book also. I don't even know how I got the courage to start talking to her because honestly I'm kinda shy. But one day I went for it. Then we started talking more often and found that we have a lot of things in common. She even steals my thoughts. Hahaha... just kidding.
She is also kind, funny, sweet, loyal, and so, so much more to me. She makes me smile when I'm sad, and makes me feel so much more better about myself. I think without her I might have gone a little crazy.
These two people helped me so much more than they have realized. They made me realize I am special and that I am better than I think I am. I'm not saying my friends in person don't do that because they do. I have amazing best friends around me and they make me laugh and we do stupid things together, but E & H have helped me just as much.
I can not wait until June when H and I road trip our way to visit E! I'll be turning twenty-one, and I will get to hang with my bbfls! It is sure to be the best birthday I will ever have!
The main point here is that a person does not have to be in front of you to be a friend. A person just has to care about you to be a friend. They have to want to know if you're okay after a wake, talk you into continuing writing when you believe you suck, make you feel better about yourself in every way, make you feel happy, cheer you up when you are down, stick up for you, want to kick the butts of every person that has and ever will hurt you, etc. E & H have done all of the above for me, and I for them (at least I hope I have heehee).
So I end this off with some quotes that make me think of them (E & H):
If you're alone, I'll be your shadow. If you want to cry, I'll be your shoulder. If you want a hug, I'll be your pillow. If you need to be happy, I'll be your smile. But anytime you need a friend, I'll just be me. ~Author Unknown
Are we not like 'three' volumes of one book?
~Marceline Desbordes-Valmore
"Together forever, never apart. Maybe in distance, but never in heart.”
~Unknown
Friends ask you why you are crying... best friends already have the shovel ready to bury the loser that made you cry.
~Unknown
True Friends Equals,
U cry I cry,
U fight I fight,
U jump off a bridge,
I get a paddle boat,
& save Ur stupid ass.
~ Unknown
A friend will stop you from over reacting. A best friend will walk beside you giggling "someone is gonna get it!"
~Unknown
You are my best friend. And that means no matter how far away you are, or how far away you are, or how late in the night it is. When you need me, I promise I will always be there. <3
~Unknown
You two are great friends but if the zombies chase us I'm tripping both of you.
~ Unknown and changes by me. :o) I couldn't resist haha.
I broke up with my boyfriend, of three and a half years, about two months ago. I was sad of course, I mean I loved him after all, but he hurt me so much. The sad part was I kept going back to him for more. When I broke up with him I was scared because he said thing to me that made me think I would never be good enough. He told me that, "No guy will ever put up with you." And other things like that. So I was scared to leave him and I am scared now that I will never find someone. But for every door that is closed a new one opens. I guess that is true, and let me tell you I am so glad I closed that door. I got rid of a boyfriend and gained some new friends.
Whoever said that having a friend online is not having a real friend is a complete and utter moron. *cough cough* Nutzo *Cough Cough* For all those who don't know who Nutzo is... you don't need to! Why does that make a person a moron? Well... I have made two of the bestest friends I could have online and they know me as much as all my friends I have in person.
Okay so let me start with my first friend that I made online. We started talking because of this girl that is a total bitch decided to post a generated picture up and tag me as poor when she doesn't know me. So I decided to ask her Best Friend if she knew why the girl didn't like me. Turns out the girl is just a bitch and even her best friend decided to drop her. After that we just started talking more.
Let me just say that the girl was stupid for giving up such a friend. I gained a best friend because of her bitchiness. My new Best Friend, from here on called E, is such a wonderful person. She is kind, sweet, intelligent, funny, loyal, and so many amazing things. She makes my day brighter every time I get to talk to her.
My next online friend, from here on called H, is like my life line. Seriously, she has done so much for me. I met her on E's book's forum -- yup, E co-wrote a book and she is writing a series of her very own also. Anyways, that is were I met H and guess what... H co-wrote a book also. I don't even know how I got the courage to start talking to her because honestly I'm kinda shy. But one day I went for it. Then we started talking more often and found that we have a lot of things in common. She even steals my thoughts. Hahaha... just kidding.
She is also kind, funny, sweet, loyal, and so, so much more to me. She makes me smile when I'm sad, and makes me feel so much more better about myself. I think without her I might have gone a little crazy.
These two people helped me so much more than they have realized. They made me realize I am special and that I am better than I think I am. I'm not saying my friends in person don't do that because they do. I have amazing best friends around me and they make me laugh and we do stupid things together, but E & H have helped me just as much.
I can not wait until June when H and I road trip our way to visit E! I'll be turning twenty-one, and I will get to hang with my bbfls! It is sure to be the best birthday I will ever have!
The main point here is that a person does not have to be in front of you to be a friend. A person just has to care about you to be a friend. They have to want to know if you're okay after a wake, talk you into continuing writing when you believe you suck, make you feel better about yourself in every way, make you feel happy, cheer you up when you are down, stick up for you, want to kick the butts of every person that has and ever will hurt you, etc. E & H have done all of the above for me, and I for them (at least I hope I have heehee).
So I end this off with some quotes that make me think of them (E & H):
If you're alone, I'll be your shadow. If you want to cry, I'll be your shoulder. If you want a hug, I'll be your pillow. If you need to be happy, I'll be your smile. But anytime you need a friend, I'll just be me. ~Author Unknown
Are we not like 'three' volumes of one book?
~Marceline Desbordes-Valmore
"Together forever, never apart. Maybe in distance, but never in heart.”
~Unknown
Friends ask you why you are crying... best friends already have the shovel ready to bury the loser that made you cry.
~Unknown
True Friends Equals,
U cry I cry,
U fight I fight,
U jump off a bridge,
I get a paddle boat,
& save Ur stupid ass.
~ Unknown
A friend will stop you from over reacting. A best friend will walk beside you giggling "someone is gonna get it!"
~Unknown
You are my best friend. And that means no matter how far away you are, or how far away you are, or how late in the night it is. When you need me, I promise I will always be there. <3
~Unknown
You two are great friends but if the zombies chase us I'm tripping both of you.
~ Unknown and changes by me. :o) I couldn't resist haha.
Friday, October 9, 2009
Memories....are not always good.
The other day I was remember some things in my life that would best be forgotten. When I was in the 10th grade someone, a friend, died. He was only 15yrs old. When I found out about him getting hit by the car I decided I had to go visit him in the hospital. That was one thing that I wish I could forget. I don't regret it one bit, but to see him as he was....
I remember his parents warning me that a previous girl fainted when she saw him, but I was determined to go see him. His dad led me to his room, and we both entered. He was hooked up to all these machines, and tubes were coming out of him. He was completely bald and had a long mark on his head. My body was telling me to collapse, but my mind was telling to be strong, my mind won.
I did however let a few tears drop, but quickly wiped them away. His dad was still there with me and I started to talk to him. I told his dad how he didn't look the same without his hat, he was always wearing hats. And I told him about the time he fell at the Wendy's by school trying to be cool. I felt better after seeing him and everything.
I remember finding out about him dying like it was yesterday instead of four years ago. I was on the phone with another one of my guy friends, talking about our friend in the hospital. I was mostly saying how he was going to make it out and that when he gets back to school all the girls will kick his ass for scaring them so much. I was talking and talking trying to believe what I was saying and trying to assure my friend that everything was going to work out. He told me I should talk if anything were to happen. He said he had to go because he thought something happened, so I said alright.
After our talk I really believed that nothing was going to happen...that it couldn't happen. I walked into my mom's room and told her all about my phone conversation with a smile on my face. I was feeling great, until my best friend called. With her first words I knew. She said, "Krys are you sitting down? You need to sit down." I just kept saying no, no, no, no and I threw the phone across my room. I didn't want to hear. I couldn't take it. I ran to my mother and sobbed into her chest as she held me like I was a small child, rubbing soothing circles into my back trying to calm me down.
The next day at school was morbid. I remember stopping in the hall for morning announcements. I saw another guy friend and as we did a moment of silence I saw the tear that he couldn't hold. I walked to him and hugged him. I spent the whole day in the library with others as we talked and cried, only leaving to get lunch. The boy who broke down in the morning wasn't any better by the end of the day. As we all gathered around him, I rubbed his back and we spoke of the happy memories we all had.
Nothing would prepare me for the wake though. The one good memory was when his dad hugged me and I cried all over his jacket. I apologized for it to him and he said that it's just water. He gave the best hugs ever. The worst moment was when his mom broke down over the casket and said, "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry." That is something that will be forever stuck in my head.
I sang at the funeral, which has to be one of the hardest things I have ever done. It only got worse when I heard his mother start singing along with me. I was shaking like a leaf and having to look down at the closed casket before me I felt as if my body was going to brake right there.
After everything happened, I was so mad at God. I just couldn't understand why! Why he would do that. It only made me madder when I found out that my Great Uncle was super sick. I would cry in my room and only my room. Never in front of anyone. I was so depressed, and thoughts of killing myself passed through my mind. But after a while I got better. I realized how stupid it would be to do that to everyone who cared about me. How I would have hurt everyone I love.
I still don't know why things happen the way they do and I suppose I never will, but I know that the pain that comes with these memories never goes away, it never dies.
I remember his parents warning me that a previous girl fainted when she saw him, but I was determined to go see him. His dad led me to his room, and we both entered. He was hooked up to all these machines, and tubes were coming out of him. He was completely bald and had a long mark on his head. My body was telling me to collapse, but my mind was telling to be strong, my mind won.
I did however let a few tears drop, but quickly wiped them away. His dad was still there with me and I started to talk to him. I told his dad how he didn't look the same without his hat, he was always wearing hats. And I told him about the time he fell at the Wendy's by school trying to be cool. I felt better after seeing him and everything.
I remember finding out about him dying like it was yesterday instead of four years ago. I was on the phone with another one of my guy friends, talking about our friend in the hospital. I was mostly saying how he was going to make it out and that when he gets back to school all the girls will kick his ass for scaring them so much. I was talking and talking trying to believe what I was saying and trying to assure my friend that everything was going to work out. He told me I should talk if anything were to happen. He said he had to go because he thought something happened, so I said alright.
After our talk I really believed that nothing was going to happen...that it couldn't happen. I walked into my mom's room and told her all about my phone conversation with a smile on my face. I was feeling great, until my best friend called. With her first words I knew. She said, "Krys are you sitting down? You need to sit down." I just kept saying no, no, no, no and I threw the phone across my room. I didn't want to hear. I couldn't take it. I ran to my mother and sobbed into her chest as she held me like I was a small child, rubbing soothing circles into my back trying to calm me down.
The next day at school was morbid. I remember stopping in the hall for morning announcements. I saw another guy friend and as we did a moment of silence I saw the tear that he couldn't hold. I walked to him and hugged him. I spent the whole day in the library with others as we talked and cried, only leaving to get lunch. The boy who broke down in the morning wasn't any better by the end of the day. As we all gathered around him, I rubbed his back and we spoke of the happy memories we all had.
Nothing would prepare me for the wake though. The one good memory was when his dad hugged me and I cried all over his jacket. I apologized for it to him and he said that it's just water. He gave the best hugs ever. The worst moment was when his mom broke down over the casket and said, "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry." That is something that will be forever stuck in my head.
I sang at the funeral, which has to be one of the hardest things I have ever done. It only got worse when I heard his mother start singing along with me. I was shaking like a leaf and having to look down at the closed casket before me I felt as if my body was going to brake right there.
After everything happened, I was so mad at God. I just couldn't understand why! Why he would do that. It only made me madder when I found out that my Great Uncle was super sick. I would cry in my room and only my room. Never in front of anyone. I was so depressed, and thoughts of killing myself passed through my mind. But after a while I got better. I realized how stupid it would be to do that to everyone who cared about me. How I would have hurt everyone I love.
I still don't know why things happen the way they do and I suppose I never will, but I know that the pain that comes with these memories never goes away, it never dies.
Why?
I want to start off telling you why I'm creating this blog in the first place. For me I find that it is easier to let out my feelings when writing. I love to write poems that express my feelings. This blog for me is going to be my release. I don't care if you follow it because really I'm doing this for myself. I can put all the emotions that I bottle up inside and write it here. Normally singing and dancing is a great release for me, and they still are. But there is only so much you can get out that way. Thanks for reading!
<3 Krysy
P.S. I am not going to be using full names ever in my blog. I just feel better if I don't!
<3 Krysy
P.S. I am not going to be using full names ever in my blog. I just feel better if I don't!
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