Can You Say... Daddy Issues!?

Today I feel like venting about my father, so here it goes...

I was always daddy's little girl. I would run to him when my mom was mad and usually my dad would let me get away with everything. He is an electrician and most of the time his job required him to work sorta far away from home, so he often got home late at night. Weekends is when I got to spend time with him; if he wasn't working on a side job or out fishing.

Some of my favorite memories are of him and me going fishing. He would wake me up early in the morning (4am) and we would get ready to go out on his small rinky dink little boat. I live on Long Island so we went to the sound which is about 15-20 minutes away from my house. We would talk very little because according to my dad talking would scare the fishies away. Unfortunately for every hug, kiss, and happy moment there are bad ones as well.

I'll start off with how he would use me as his little slave. Sometimes I'd be in my room and I'd hear, "KRYS!" So I would get up and go find him to see what he wanted. Well... it would be something like 'get me a drink,' 'get me some asprin,' or 'heat this up for me.' Never a please and rarely a thank you. When I got older I started being a smart ass. When he would tell me to get him something I'd respond with 'what? Do you have something wrong with your legs?' He would say 'What did you just say' and proceed to yell at me. Now I was never beat as a kid so don't get me wrong, but my father is a scary man and all I knew is I never wanted to find out how it was to get punished.

My dad also would think that hurting you is funny, he still does. I remember once, when we were in our basement, he took a long thin piece of wood that was down there and whacked me in the back of the legs with it. He started laughing, but I started crying because it stung. I ran quickly upstairs to my room. My mother asked me what had happened and I told her. My mom yelled at my dad, but he said it was a joke, yeah a joke...okay. He would do things like that frequently, and when I would cry out in pain that meant pinch harder.

Let me give you another good moment before a couple more bad ones. One thing I LOVED to do when I was little was t snuggle up with my dad on his beanbag in the living room watching t.v or a movie. I would wake up early sometimes and lay with him in the living room. Oh, one of my absolute favorite things my dad used to do was give me bear hugs. Even though he squeezed me too tight at times it made me feel loved.

Those hugs were the only thing that made me feel like I was good enough for him! Like I was one of the things he valued the most. Because frequently he made me feel like I wasn't good enough. If I would get a 90 on a test he would say why not a 100. The recital before my operation I worked my butt off to improve my technique, so I would be able to show my teaches I was good enough to compete. Everyone that was there watching me (my aunt and uncle, my grandparents, and my cousin) commented on how good I did. We were standing in the kitchen at the time and my dad simply said you were okay, while his arm was around me in a half hug. My family couldn't believe he just told me that. My uncle was semi furious and told me that I was better than okay and that I really improved. I don't think anyone noticed the tears that welled up in my eyes at my father's remark.

The song Perfect by Simple Plan explains exactly how I feel.

"Perfect" by Simple plan

Hey dad look at me
Think back and talk to me
Did I grow up according to plan?
And do you think I'm wasting my time doing things I wanna do?
But it hurts when you disapprove all along

And now I try hard to make it

I just want to make you proud I really do

I'm never gonna be good enough for you
I can't pretend that
I'm alright because I'm not
And you can't change me

'Cuz we lost it all
Nothing lasts forever
I'm sorry
I can't be perfect
Now it's just too late and
We can't go back
I'm sorry
I can't be perfect

I try not to think
About the pain I feel inside
Did you know you used to be my hero? I always looked up to him, now I realize it was my mom all along.
All the days you spent with me
Now seem so far away
And it feels like you don't care anymore I don't even remember the last time I just hang out me and him.
And now I try hard to make it
I just want to make you proud
I'm never gonna be good enough for you
I can't stand another fight
And nothing's alright

'Cuz we lost it all
Nothing lasts forever
I'm sorry
I can't be perfect
Now it's just too late and
We can't go back
I'm sorry
I can't be perfect

Nothing's gonna change the things that you said We fought before my grandfather's wake.
Nothing's gonna make this right again
Please don't turn your back
I can't believe it's hard
Just to talk to you
But you don't understand He doesn't and it kills me.

'Cuz we lost it all
Nothing lasts forever
I'm sorry
I can't be perfect
Now it's just too late and
We can't go back
I'm sorry
I can't be perfect

'Cuz we lost it all
Nothing lasts forever
I'm sorry
I can't be perfect
Now it's just too late and
We can't go back
I'm sorry
I can't be perfect

My father has showed up to maybe 3 competitions I've been in, and I've been 3 every year since 9th grade - 12th grade (14 total. 2 being Nationals). The only reason he went to my last Nationals was because it was in Vagas. I barely even saw him around.

I remember the fight we had at my grandma's after my grandfather died. My parents are divorced and I hate my Dad's new girlfriend. She is a horrible person and has done many things that have hurt my family. I put up with her because of my dad. I remember we were yelling at each other and I started crying. I was so mad at him because he wasn't there. He barely even went into my grandfather's room when he was visiting, and I knew my grandpa so badly wanted to see him. I asked why he did that, and told him grandpa wanted him there. His voice cracked a little as he told me that he didn't want to see his father like that. It just got me even madder, but I spoke back softly with a little edge in my voice. I asked, "Do you think we wanted to see him like that? That we enjoyed watching him? NO, but he needed us, wanted us, wanted and needed you, and you weren't there!" My uncle had arrived and became a mediator. The fight was never really resolved just pushed away and locked up. It's still there the fury that I felt towards him, like a caged animal ready to be released, and one day I might just snap and it will be. Look at me I sound crazy, sorry!

Although he has hurt me, and done some really foul thing I still love him. He is my father after all. So it's words of wisdom time! If you have a kid tell them how much you love them, tell them you are proud of them, and spend time with them. If you are on the phone be the first to say I love you, not like my dad who wouldn't say it at all unless I say it first and sometimes doesn't even if I do. If you don't have children and are having some parent issues... tell them, don't let it tare you up inside. There maybe some fighting and there maybe tears, but it will be worth it. I will never forget the one thing my father said to me that made me realize how much he loved me, whether he showed it or not. We were in his truck, we just left the wake of my 15yr old friend, and we were talking about it. With sincere tone he said, "I would go crazy if anything happened to you." I nearly broke down because whether or not we get along, or he does stupid things I know that if anything happened to him my heart would break and a part of me would be lost with him forever. Why? Because he is my Daddy...and I love him!

This song, well it's true!

"Daughters" by John Mayer

I know a girl
She puts the color inside of my world
But she's just like a maze
Where all of the walls all continually change
And I've done all I can
To stand on her steps with my heart in my hands
Now I'm starting to see
Maybe it's got nothing to do with me

Fathers, be good to your daughters
Daughters will love like you do
Girls become lovers who turn into mothers
So mothers, be good to your daughters too

Oh, you see that skin?
It's the same she's been standing in
Since the day she saw him walking away
Now she's left
Cleaning up the mess he made

So fathers, be good to your daughters
Daughters will love like you do
Girls become lovers who turn into mothers
So mothers, be good to your daughters too

Boys, you can break
You'll find out how much they can take
Boys will be strong
And boys soldier on
But boys would be gone without the warmth from
A womans good, good heart

On behalf of every man
Looking out for every girl
You are the god and the weight of her world

So fathers, be good to your daughters
Daughters will love like you do
Girls become lovers who turn into mothers
So mothers, be good to your daughters too [x3]