Memories....are not always good.

The other day I was remember some things in my life that would best be forgotten. When I was in the 10th grade someone, a friend, died. He was only 15yrs old. When I found out about him getting hit by the car I decided I had to go visit him in the hospital. That was one thing that I wish I could forget. I don't regret it one bit, but to see him as he was....

I remember his parents warning me that a previous girl fainted when she saw him, but I was determined to go see him. His dad led me to his room, and we both entered. He was hooked up to all these machines, and tubes were coming out of him. He was completely bald and had a long mark on his head. My body was telling me to collapse, but my mind was telling to be strong, my mind won.

I did however let a few tears drop, but quickly wiped them away. His dad was still there with me and I started to talk to him. I told his dad how he didn't look the same without his hat, he was always wearing hats. And I told him about the time he fell at the Wendy's by school trying to be cool. I felt better after seeing him and everything.

I remember finding out about him dying like it was yesterday instead of four years ago. I was on the phone with another one of my guy friends, talking about our friend in the hospital. I was mostly saying how he was going to make it out and that when he gets back to school all the girls will kick his ass for scaring them so much. I was talking and talking trying to believe what I was saying and trying to assure my friend that everything was going to work out. He told me I should talk if anything were to happen. He said he had to go because he thought something happened, so I said alright.

After our talk I really believed that nothing was going to happen...that it couldn't happen. I walked into my mom's room and told her all about my phone conversation with a smile on my face. I was feeling great, until my best friend called. With her first words I knew. She said, "Krys are you sitting down? You need to sit down." I just kept saying no, no, no, no and I threw the phone across my room. I didn't want to hear. I couldn't take it. I ran to my mother and sobbed into her chest as she held me like I was a small child, rubbing soothing circles into my back trying to calm me down.

The next day at school was morbid. I remember stopping in the hall for morning announcements. I saw another guy friend and as we did a moment of silence I saw the tear that he couldn't hold. I walked to him and hugged him. I spent the whole day in the library with others as we talked and cried, only leaving to get lunch. The boy who broke down in the morning wasn't any better by the end of the day. As we all gathered around him, I rubbed his back and we spoke of the happy memories we all had.

Nothing would prepare me for the wake though. The one good memory was when his dad hugged me and I cried all over his jacket. I apologized for it to him and he said that it's just water. He gave the best hugs ever. The worst moment was when his mom broke down over the casket and said, "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry." That is something that will be forever stuck in my head.

I sang at the funeral, which has to be one of the hardest things I have ever done. It only got worse when I heard his mother start singing along with me. I was shaking like a leaf and having to look down at the closed casket before me I felt as if my body was going to brake right there.

After everything happened, I was so mad at God. I just couldn't understand why! Why he would do that. It only made me madder when I found out that my Great Uncle was super sick. I would cry in my room and only my room. Never in front of anyone. I was so depressed, and thoughts of killing myself passed through my mind. But after a while I got better. I realized how stupid it would be to do that to everyone who cared about me. How I would have hurt everyone I love.

I still don't know why things happen the way they do and I suppose I never will, but I know that the pain that comes with these memories never goes away, it never dies.